STATEN ISLAND  — Local mother Constance Holeman was stunned last Tuesday after a parent teacher conference at Richmond Middle School. According to teachers, Holeman's eleven-year-old son Aran was deemed functionally Illiterate.  “I was thrilled!” Said Holeman, “I was worried for a while that my baby boy was just going to be another nobody, but his teachers told me that due to his record-low reading comprehension scores he’s being moved straight to the school's 'Influencer tra

TOBY’S TOY’S, CHICAGO — Like many toy stores, Toby’s is a place for joy. A place where dreams come true and excited kids get to take home their favorite toys. But for one such toy this is also a place of existential dread.  “When I was first shipped in I thought I was the same as any other Rubix Cube. But then as we were all getting put on the shelf, I found out something different was in store for me. Toby himself takes me out of my box and puts me back on the shelf naked as