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Part-Time Job Causing Full-Time Depression
AURORA, IL — 18-Year-Old Elijah Cedar was thrilled when after a nerve-wracking interview, they were hired part-time, at Jumpstreet Trampoline Park. Now six years later at the age of 24, this same job has become a major detriment to Elijah’s mental health. Like many elder Gen Z, Elijah has struggled finding gainful employment. In order to make ends meet, they’ve had to take on a number of part time jobs that have been less than fulfilling, as they will no doubt tell you. “Thi
Cameron Lehr
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Part-Time Job Causing Full-Time Depression
AURORA, IL — 18-Year-Old Elijah Cedar was thrilled when after a nerve-wracking interview, they were hired part-time, at Jumpstreet Trampoline Park. Now six years later at the age of 24, this same job has become a major detriment to Elijah’s mental health. Like many elder Gen Z, Elijah has struggled finding gainful employment. In order to make ends meet, they’ve had to take on a number of part time jobs that have been less than fulfilling, as they will no doubt tell you. “Thi
BLT Secret Recipe Leaked
WEST DOREST, ENGLAND — The Mapperton House home to the famous Earl and Duchess of Sandwich was in uproar last Tuesday. Upon checking one of the home's many safes, 12th Earl of Sandwich Luke Montagu found that the infamous BLT Sandwich recipe had been stolen. The Earl lamented to Press along the outer crust of the estate. “WE’RE RUINED! That recipe was the only thing keeping this family afloat. A lot of people think “Oh your family invented the sandwich you guys must be loade
Brave Cop Scores Sweet Loot From Car Fire
MARSHFIELD, Wis. — Local police officer Donny Lorenz received high praise from colleagues and civilians alike last week, after a heroic roadside rescue. The Marshfield PD Sergeant leapt into action Thursday night to score some sweet grass, glass, and cash from a blazing vehicle on the side of the road, eyewitnesses report. "It was incredible, like something out of an action movie," said local man Phil Pratt. "I could see the smoke from a mile away. I pulled over a couple hund
Iran War Unrelated to Missiles' Best By Date
MINOT AIR FORCE BASE, ND — Senior Airman Frank Holland was among the first Americans to foresee the oncoming conflict with Iran, when late last February he discovered nearly all of the ballistics stored in his facility displayed a best by date of March 1st, 2026. In an interview with reporters last week, Airman Holland further explained the weight of his discovery. “Do you have any idea what the budget request was for the U.S. Military in 2025? 849.8 Billion Dollars!" exclai
New Netflix Docuseries Explores Why You Just Said That
LOS ANGELES — Documentary fans and scorned people everywhere are talking about the release of Netflix's upcoming documentary Fucked Up: Finding Out Why You Just Said That. Despite the documentary still not being slated for release until later this year, it already promises to be one of the most controversial pieces of its kind, as told by Netflix Chief Content Officer Bela Bajaria. "We just knew that this story needed to be told." said Bajaria. "Because, frankly, what you jus
Kristi Noem Reassigned to DC Kill Shelter
WASHINGTON — Former DHS Secretary Kristi Noem has been handpicked to lead a local kill shelter close to the Capitol, President Trump announced in a press conference Saturday. The move comes after President Trump's removal of Kristi Noem from her post as head of Homeland Security last week, with President Trump expressing high hopes for her new position. "Frankly, I think Kristi is going to do very well in her new role." said President Trump, "She was doing absolutely spectacu
Cat Teaches Woman How to Weaponize Urine
SALEM, OR — 46-year-old Elise Murphey finally had enough the night of March 2nd. After repeated requests that her boyfriend Isaiah Wiggins, 41, better contribute to maintaining a clean living space, it became clear that words would not be enough. Unsure of what actions would best communicate her dissatisfaction, inspiration would come from the apartment's third inhabitant, 3-year-old Tabby cat named Governor Greg Abbot. “I came home from a thirteen-hour shift and there, righ
Entirety of Man’s Health Problems Solved by Glass of Water
UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO MEDICAL CENTER — 25 Year Old Spencer Carlisle was admitted to an urgent care late Wednesday night, displaying a wide array of symptoms. After a battery of testing, professionals within the facility were unable to diagnose the root cause of any of Spencer's ailments and he was then airlifted to The University of Chicago Medical Center for intensive care. While at the facility, Spencer was prescribed miscellaneous pills which seemed to do the trick. But a
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