Iran War Unrelated to Missiles' Best By Date

MINOT AIR FORCE BASE, ND — Senior Airman Frank Holland was among the first Americans to foresee the oncoming conflict with Iran, when late last February he discovered nearly all of the ballistics stored in his facility displayed a best by date of March 1st, 2026.

In an interview with reporters last week, Airman Holland further explained the weight of his discovery. 

“Do you have any idea what the budget request was for the U.S. Military in 2025? 849.8 Billion Dollars!" exclaimed Holland. "With that kind of money, we buy unbelievable fire power year after year. But sometimes the harshest reality of the job is that there just isn’t enough shit in the world that we’re allowed to blow up.” 

Airman Holland explained that exorbitant U.S. Military spending has led to an unfathomable surplus of Surface to Air ballistics at his base and many others like it across the country. Holland gave our correspondent an exclusive look at the near 500,000 square foot facility. 

“The fact is some of these missiles were purchased by Regan," Said Holland. “And with new ways to dismember the innocent being invented every day, all too often we’ll see old girls like this put out to pasture before they ever get near a residential apartment building.”

At this point in the interview, Holland slapped the side of a Patriot MIM 104 Surface-to-Air Missile in a loving gesture. After needing several minutes alone with the missile, Holland explained how he knew this deadline was bound to lead to international conflict. 

“You, the taxpayer, give so much of your yearly earnings to us with the knowledge that we will use it to senselessly take life. To simply let these missiles go bad would be a disservice to you and it would be a disservice to anyone living on natural resources, who believes they have the right to draw breath.” 

At press time, The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers is working to figure out if this is one of those cases where Best By doesn’t mean the same as Expiration Date. Our top Generals are confident that even if the Missiles are unable to level a school, they will certainly still be able to kill every child inside.