AURORA, IL — 18-Year-Old Elijah Cedar was thrilled when after a nerve-wracking interview, they were hired part-time, at Jumpstreet Trampoline Park. Now six years later at the age of 24, this same job has become a major detriment to Elijah’s mental health. Like many elder Gen Z, Elijah has struggled finding gainful employment. In order to make ends meet, they’ve had to take on a number of part time jobs that have been less than fulfilling, as they will no doubt tell you.  “Thi

MARSHFIELD, Wis. — Local police officer Donny Lorenz received high praise from colleagues and civilians alike last week, after a heroic roadside rescue. The Marshfield PD Sergeant leapt into action Thursday night to score some sweet grass, glass, and cash from a blazing vehicle on the side of the road, eyewitnesses report. "It was incredible, like something out of an action movie," said local man Phil Pratt. "I could see the smoke from a mile away. I pulled over a couple hund

MINOT AIR FORCE BASE, ND — Senior Airman Frank Holland was among the first Americans to foresee the oncoming conflict with Iran, when late last February he discovered nearly all of the ballistics stored in his facility displayed a best by date of March 1st, 2026. In an interview with reporters last week, Airman Holland further explained the weight of his discovery.  “Do you have any idea what the budget request was for the U.S. Military in 2025? 849.8 Billion Dollars!" exclai

SALEM, OR — 46-year-old Elise Murphey finally had enough the night of March 2nd. After repeated requests that her boyfriend Isaiah Wiggins, 41, better contribute to maintaining a clean living space, it became clear that words would not be enough. Unsure of what actions would best communicate her dissatisfaction, inspiration would come from the apartment's third inhabitant, 3-year-old Tabby cat named Governor Greg Abbot.  “I came home from a thirteen-hour shift and there, righ

UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO MEDICAL CENTER  — 25 Year Old Spencer Carlisle was admitted to an urgent care late Wednesday night, displaying a wide array of symptoms. After a battery of testing, professionals within the facility were unable to diagnose the root cause of any of Spencer's ailments and he was then airlifted to The University of Chicago Medical Center for intensive care. While at the facility, Spencer was prescribed miscellaneous pills which seemed to do the trick. But a

LONDON — Former CIA Agents Black Spy and Niegel "Numbuh 1" Uno blew the whistle on the United States' notorious intelligence agency last week during an appearance on the British podcast The Diary of a CEO. The two ex-agents' appearance came hot on the tails of a similar interview with former CIA agent John Kiriakou on the same show, though each guest took a markedly different approach to the interview in comparison to Kiriakou. "My time with the agency was wonderful." reveale

PARIS — After his appearance at the César Awards in Paris stirred up plenty of online controversy, Jim Carrey sat down with the Associated Jest to clear the air concerning his new look. After Carrey showed up to the French film awards with a clean-shaven, sleek new look, fans quickly took to social media to voice their opinions, with some even going so far as to suggest that Carrey may have been cloned or replaced with a look-a-like. "Yeah, I might've had a little work done,"

DENVER -- A recent study out of the University of Colorado Denver found that this smoke circle has more heads than blunts, University researchers report. "After analyzing the smoke session for an extended period of time, we noticed something was seriously wrong." said Ron Pratt of CU Denver's Humanities Department. "It would appear that at least one stoner, possibly even multiple, showed up to the sesh, but failed to bring shit to smoke. We believe these individuals arrived w

Pigeon Forge, Tenn. -- "Do you hear that? That noise is back." reported local man Nathan Gutierrez Monday night. Despite reporters not being able to hear anything out of the ordinary, Nathan attempted to describe the nuisance. "You don't hear that? It's like a hum," said Gutierrez, 26. "Or maybe like a buzzing? Yeah it's like a buzzing noise, but high-pitched. You guys seriously can't hear that? You've gotta be kidding me. It's so loud. What is that?" Gutierrez further explai

CLEVELAND 一 Tensions have reportedly escalated at the home of Chicago native Thomas Bergman as he and his cat, Pancake, disagree about the fundamental nature of his W2 Tax Form, sources confirm. “I could tell it piqued his interest from the second I opened it. At first, I thought he was just taking more of a hands-on-the-wheel approach to the household’s finances,” Bergman recalled. “But the second I left the room, I heard all kinds of commotion coming from the kitchen table.

EDEN CREEK, Minn. – Local United Healthcare adjuster Tom Warner was absolutely baffled last week after hearing you dare request coverage for something you called “insulin,” claims-processing sources report. “I understand that your doctor prescribed it and you’ve taken it your entire life,” Warner shouted into a telephone, “It’s just I never heard of no damn… what’s it called? Instagram? This just really doesn’t seem like the kind of thing that your health insurance needs to b

ANDERSONVILLE  — Last Sunday at Chicago Paint and Spirits, Linda Holden and her group of girlfriends attended a Paint and Sip event. The squad, who refer to themselves as Josie and the Pussygyatts, had attended many events at this establishment without incident. But this time they had apparently taken one sip too many. Owner of the business Ms. Martha Foss detailed the events of the evening to reporters. “We’ve been seeing the Pussygyatts come in monthly for almost a year now

SCHAUMBURG, IL – Young Bobby Winehouse was unceremoniously tossed onto a festering heap of other forgotten children after being left at Woodfield Mall on Thursday, mall security reports. “In cases like this, we have very a very simple procedure we follow.” said Woodfield Security Guard Matt Powell, “First, of course, we fill out an incident report. Once the paper work’s done, we add ‘em to the pile. If the kid remember a parent’s phone number we may give them a call, but most

ALBUQUERQUE, NM — Trevor Collins started the morning of February 7th the way he did most mornings. A shower, a shave, and sitting down to breakfast while scrolling through the morning news. Trevor, like very few Americans, likes to stay current on world news. It was then when Trevor read a rather troubling headline, but before he could put down his croissant, he found the article was safely hidden behind a paywall. “My morning was this close to being ruined, this close.”  It

WASHINGTON -- Last week, Democrats in both the House and Senate held out against their Republican counterparts, demanding immediate ICE reform However, several Congressional Democrats have already confirmed that they are willing to settle for much, much less. "Obviously, we hope to finally put a stop to the atrocities being carried out by the DHS." said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, "But at the same time, diplomacy is all about compromise, and we're willing to give u

SCHAUMBURG IL — “Yeah this whole section is going to have to be redone,” Said Foreman Mike Limbazo, shaking his head at pop star Sabrina Carpenter. After several grueling months on tour, Sabrina Carpenter told press she looked forward to devoting more time to her namesake and true passion, carpentry. But after landing a framing job with a local company Ms. Carpenter quickly received some stark criticism. “You forgot a header over this window opening, so there’s no world wher