Local Stories

LOS ANGELES — 32 Year Old Eddie Osborne was devastated this past weekend, when after a romantic evening with his girlfriend panic started to set in. Despite the perfect day with the perfect woman, staring at a seaside sunset all Eddie was able to think of was the oncoming darkness. Eddie later recounted the evening saying.   “It was a bit of a mood killer as you might imagine. One minute we’re sitting there and it’s a beautiful afternoon at the beach. Then out of fucking nowh

CHICAGO — December 17th started the same as any other day, at the residence of Walter Higgins and Thomas Gallagher. But unfortunately for Mr. Gallagher Wednesday was cleaning day. While doing the dishes Mr. Higgins found something that pushed him over the edge. The last of his pristine tupperware sitting in the sink, caked in tomato sauce. Mr. Higgins said this in his statement to the police.  “It was my last, mother fucking one god dam it. I had a clean full set when I moved

BOISE, Idaho – Amidst ballooning mortgage costs and the looming threat of another recession, cash-strapped pets in Idaho and across the United States have all but given up hope on the prospect of homeowning, quadripedal sources confirm. “The market really is ruff [sic] right now, especially for younger pets.” said Luna, a local Pekingese. “With so many pets struggling to make ends meet as it is, home ownership is the last thing on our minds. So for now, we’re stuck in this he