Local Stories

BOONE, N.C. — Appalachian State University Commencement Announcer Rachel Decatur made waves during last weekend’s College of Arts and Sciences Commencement Ceremony. According to eyewitnesses, Decatur stumbled courageously and gracelessly through the names of every white student in attendance. “What can I say? I’m all about equality”, said Decatur, 43. “Every year, so many students of color are forced to face that embarrassing moment when some hick professor makes an absolute

HONG KONG — Local child and full-time iPhone manufacturer Mei Song apologized deeply to Apple customers last week, stating she was “immeasurably sorry” that the iPhone 17 is not quite as fast as users hoped, overworked sources report. “My heart goes out to every valued customer who was affected by these performance issues,” said Song, 9. “Quality Control is integral to our operations here at the shop, but sometimes, even we make mistakes. We love the work we do, but we work l

AMAZON WAREHOUSE (DFX5) — Workers at Illinois Amazon Warehouse (DFX5) were shocked last payday to find Amazon was no longer offering compensation in the form of the U.S. Dollar. Instead offering employees compensation in the form of Scrip or Company Money, that they are able to redeem exclusively through Amazon Prime. An anonymous Packer from within the facility gave this statement to press. “How am I supposed to pay my rent in Amazon gift cards? I tried to sell my landlord