Chicago Residents Prep for Next Weeks Fire and Earth Show

CHICAGO — Every year residents of Chicago are awed and annoyed by Military Jet teams and stunt pilots. For some the spectacle is part of a relaxing weekend of watching death defying wastes of Taxpayer dollars. For others it’s an earsplitting nuisance. Regardless of your feelings on the Air and Water show, City officials confirmed, it’s going to be nothing compared to what’s to come. 

“We’re gonna blow some fucking shit up,” said Mayor of Chicago Brandon Johnson. “I’m talking fire and brimstone, wrath of god type shit. You thought the Air and Water show was loud. Baby after this next show I’ll be surprised if there’s a window in the city left intact.” 

In a press conference Monday night, Johnson alongside other city officials detailed the plans for the Fire and Earth show. Like the Air and Water show, the event is scheduled to go all weekend long including practice days on Thursday and Friday. Although it’s unclear how much of the event is able to be rehearsed. 

“I mean obviously we gotta test the yield of all the explosives we bought online,” said city Comptroller Michael Belsky. “We figured we would test everything out in one of the off-shore water treatment plants in Lake Michigan. You know those circus tent looking things? If all goes to plan we’ll blow one of those fuckers to kingdom come.” 

Assuming all goes well, during their early test explosions. Over 1,000 Chicago citizens may lose household access to fresh water. When asked about the expected interruptions Mayor Brandon Johnson advised citizens to, 

“Go shower at a fucking Planet Fitness or something, idk shit. Just let us blow shit up. This whole country being ran by a geriatric dictator thing is pretty fucking stressful. Especially for JB and I. We really need to blow off some steam, and watching some tiny fucking planes do loop de loops or whatever the fuck just ain’t cutting it.” 

Details about the show itself are still unclear. What little details that have been released imply the show will detonate roughly ten times the explosive yield of the test explosions. While it is unclear where exactly the show will take place. Residents of Evanston have been advised by the Mayor to “Get the fuck out the way”. 

At press time, residents of Evanston have filed multiple appeals with the city, and attempted to raise outcry among the general public. But ever since that Chili’s location closed, people could care less if the entire neighborhood was wiped from the map.