AUSTIN - As the same day repeats on end, 56 year old Clyde Porchus says he sees no reason to abandon his pattern of selfish, destructive behavior. “I know every day when I wake up, it’s gonna be the same shit. If everybody else is gonna do the same thing, why shouldn’t I?” Porchus asked. “Matter of fact, why not take it up a notch? If I do something bad, these people aren’t gonna remember it tomorrow anyhow.” Since discovering the nature of his situation, Porchus has publicly

WHITE HOUSE — Master Negotiator President Trump has talked his way out of several catastrophe’s over the years. But our commander in chief has finally met a foe that cannot be negotiated with. His own body. White House doctors confirmed that President Trump's cholesterol levels are nearly triple that of the average person, in a press briefing on Monday. “The only scientific explanation is that some kind of mutation has occurred,” said White House physician Sean P. Barbabell

CHICAGO— Drivers in the city of Chicago should be on high alert, as the city’s Department of Water Management has reportedly installed a fire hydrant right where you parked. “The decision to install a fire hydrant right where you parked was not an impulsive one, I can assure you.” explained Chicago Department of Water Management Commissioner Randy Conner. “It took months of careful planning, scouting, and surveying to select and confirm that spot for installation of a fire

BOCA CHICA, Texas — Tragedy struck the Northbound 52 bus last week as weird tech mogul and world’s first trillionaire Elon Musk lost his entire fortune while commuting to his Boca Chica home, frantic sources report. “I just had it! You’ve got to be kidding me.” exclaimed a distraught Musk Friday afternoon. “Someone on this bus has it, I know they do. Valet! Stop the bus this instant. One of these wretched ‘poors’ has my trillion, and I intend to reclaim every penny. Valet! Wh

CHICAGO, IL — 28-year-old Marsha Brown knows that everyone is struggling right now. But when the usual nagging for rent from her landlord turned to panicked pleading, she knew something was up. Marsha discovered that her landlord, 59-year-old Frank Hubbard, was also renting. Downstairs sources confirmed. “When I first got the place I was super excited,” Said Brown. “But then the usual “Hey, just a reminder rent is due on Tuesday.” Turned into “MOOOONNNNNNEEEYYYYYYY NOOOOWWWW

EMERYVILLE, Calif. — Audiences worldwide were left horrified after the theatrical premiere of Toy Story 5 Thursday night. According to eyewitnesses, the long-awaited fifth installment of Pixar’s flagship franchise includes several ‘bizarre’ and ‘unexpected’ scenes, including one 3-minute segment that shows viewers the exact moment Bonnie first saw the video of Charlie Kirk’s assassination. “What are some of those core ‘canon moments’ that everyone with a mobile device can rel

WHITE HOUSE — President Trump celebrated his 80th birthday, with a UFC fight held on the White House’s south lawn last Sunday. The event was expected to be a propaganda fueled slug fest, but the fights all proved to be fairly one sided thanks to a surprise addition to the lineup. The zombified corpse of 16th president Abraham Lincoln. Who proved to be unstoppable, ending every fight with a clean knock out and devouring. Cage side commentator Joe Rogan gave this statement befo

CHICAGO — The eighth season of HBO Max’s Euphoria premiered last month and, for some odd reason, people are still talking about Euphoria. Now personally, I’m no stranger to the world of television. My peers know this. So they keep asking me what I think of Euphoria and how I’m liking the new season of Euphoria. It’s all been very exhausting, not because the last thing I want to do with my time is dedicate 36 hours to catching up on Euphoria. That would be absurd. The issue is

LOS ANGELES — Before the event even began, shit got real at the United States vs. Paraguay World Cup Match Friday night. Just moments before kick-off, American forward Christian Pulisic reportedly disengaged the safety on his 429 Desert Eagle, terrified Paraguayan sources confirmed. “I knew we were playing the US but Jesus Christ.” said Paraguayan midfielder Julio Enciso, refusing to take his eyes off Pulisic. “Honestly, though, I understand. I bet he’s scared shitless. Pulis

WASHINGTON, D.C.— Recent decisions from the executive branch have led to an increase in judicial involvement. Whether it’s setting up a slush fund for insurrectionists or spending possible billions of tax payer dollars on a ballroom, our President's agenda keeps getting snagged on the pesky notion of legality. But that is soon to be a problem of the past, as of June 10th the Senate has confirmed 276 Federal Judges all nominated by Trump. In a show of loyalty one such judge la

NEW YORK — Hurried pedestrians and people-pleasers beware, as an eager canvasser nearby has seemingly marked you, the reader, as his chosen prey, sources eager to speak to you for just a moment report. “I could smell you the second you turned the corner, I’m locked on now.” said volunteer canvasser Andrew Kairn. “I see what you’re trying to do, giving a polite but not too friendly nod in my direction before quickly averting your gaze. I’m onto your little game. You think you

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, N.Y. — President Trump was severely injured following a mishap during the half time show of game three of the NBA finals. The 79 year-old was attempting to dunk a basketball alongside the famous New York Knicks City Dancers, when all hell broke loose. Actor and reporter for the Associated Jest, Timothée Chalamet was seated front row and recounted the evening's events. “It was nuts man. We go into halftime and the Knicks are up. Then the arena gets dark

CHICAGO — Local urgent care clinic Guardian Immediate Care is reportedly proud to provide desperate Chicagoans, victimized by a predatory healthcare system, with clinical help that can be accurately described as neither “urgent” nor “care”, uninsured sources confirmed. “My college buddies and I started Guardian Immediate Care with one simple mission,” said Guardian Founder and CEO Karl Estes. “That mission was to find Chicagoans throughout the community in dire need of medica

BEIRUT, LEBANON — Global energy costs have continued to soar with the continued closure of the Strait of Hormuz. Despite continued bombing from both the U.S. and Israel, President Trump insists that peace talks are still underway. Trump insists that a permanent cease fire would have been reached weeks ago, were it not for the sounds of heavy artillery and ballistic fire rendering negotiations inaudible. The President elaborated to press saying. “You should really hear some o

CHICAGO, IL — Teens and stunted adults across Chicago were thrilled when it was announced the Field Museum would be host to the new Pokémon Fossil Museum. This exhibit features a number of Pokémon skeletons displayed alongside real life geological samples. However, days after opening the exhibit, museum curators were surprised to see a small group protesting outside. The organization identifying themselves as People for Designating Intelligent Design During Young Earth or (

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Department of Homeland Security shocked the nation last week, as Secretary Markwayne Mullin announced plans to halt all international flights to US cities containing bike lanes in a press conference Thursday morning. “I can’t stand those fucking things,” an agitated Mullin told reporters. “So pretentious, a whole section of the road reserved for some asshole in booty-shorts. Well, frankly that is not the kind of image these great United States want to po

VATICAN CITY — Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson arrived in Italy this Thursday. Him along with the 46 person delegation funded by World Business Chicago, were thrilled to meet with former Chicago native, Pope Leo XIV. During the meeting Johnson and the delegates ran a number of banger ideas by his holiness. Chief amongst them, the no miss strategy of selling vital infrastructure to private interests. Despite the proven track record of this strategy the pope had some questions.

THE MOON — United States forces carried out a series of devastating airstrikes targeting the Moon’s South Pole last week in a move that U.S. Central Command justified as “precautionary and undoubtedly necessary.” “I can assure the American people that last week’s airstrikes on the moon were absolutely essential to ensuring the continued safety of our great nation.” explained CENTCOM spokesman Darrel Healey. “After NASA’s recent announcement regarding plans to construct a so-c

LAS VEGAS, NV — This Memorial Day Weekend was special for a number of reasons. In addition to the long weekend spent in honor of our fallen military members, last Sunday was also host to The Enhanced Games. The multi-sport event/supplement ad, was intended to showcase what athletes could accomplish with the help of steroids and other performance enhancers typically banned across traditional athletic competitions. In an attempt to draw a parallel to The Olympics, The Enhanced

A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY - LA Lakers star LeBron James has informed the team that he will be spending his offseason in the Dagobah System to train with long-time mentor Yoda. “Look, man. I’m 42. Last time I went out there was the summer before my first MVP. [I’m] looking forward to getting back with Yoda, getting back in touch with the Force, things of that nature” James commented. “Whatever I can do to extend my playing career, I’m gonna do it. Whether that’s force-lifting an