CHICAGO — December 17th started the same as any other day, at the residence of Walter Higgins and Thomas Gallagher. But unfortunately for Mr. Gallagher Wednesday was cleaning day. While doing the dishes Mr. Higgins found something that pushed him over the edge. The last of his pristine tupperware sitting in the sink, caked in tomato sauce. Mr. Higgins said this in his statement to the police.  “It was my last, mother fucking one god dam it. I had a clean full set when I moved

BOISE, Idaho – Amidst ballooning mortgage costs and the looming threat of another recession, cash-strapped pets in Idaho and across the United States have all but given up hope on the prospect of homeowning, quadripedal sources confirm. “The market really is ruff [sic] right now, especially for younger pets.” said Luna, a local Pekingese. “With so many pets struggling to make ends meet as it is, home ownership is the last thing on our minds. So for now, we’re stuck in this he

Over the last few days, you may have seen a sly little fable the libs are passing around, alleging that our smart, healthy, capable and healthy leader, President Donald J. Trump, shit his pants during a televised press conference. I hope I do not have to tell you, good Patriotic reader, that this claim is a complete fabrication with absolutely no basis in reality. But, even if our brave Commander-in-Chief had shit himself: Who cares? For starters, Trump is far from the first

WASHINGTON – Nearly a century after the historic passing of the Fair Labor Standards Act, United States’ Federal Minimum Wage will be officially retired, according to a bill passed by Congress last week. “Recently, we’ve seen a lot of local businesses across all industries try to help consumers by offering more affordable ‘pay what you can’ options for their products and services,” explained Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “But we know a lot of employers have been strug

FORT WORTH, TX — 14 Year Old Riley Jackson had heard about the cuts to school spending across the country. But having attended school online for the past three years, Riley assumed that he would be unaffected. This rapidly proved not to be the case as Riley’s Mother/Principal would tell you.  “We run a pretty tight ship here at Jackson Family Education. Our student body is currently a single student. You would think with class sizes this small we would be able to stretch our