BOONE, N.C. — Appalachian State University Commencement Announcer Rachel Decatur made waves during last weekend’s College of Arts and Sciences Commencement Ceremony. According to eyewitnesses, Decatur stumbled courageously and gracelessly through the names of every white student in attendance. “What can I say? I’m all about equality”, said Decatur, 43. “Every year, so many students of color are forced to face that embarrassing moment when some hick professor makes an absolute

OMAHA, NE — The MV Hondius is finally making its way back home to the Netherlands after a Hantavirus outbreak within the vessel resulted in multiple casualties. Sixteen of the eighteen passengers transferred to the U.S. arrived in Omaha and were quickly shuttled to the University of Nebraska Medical Center (UNMC). Of those sixteen within the facility only one patient has currently tested positive for Hantavirus. However after further medical testing, nearly all of the passeng

HONG KONG — Local child and full-time iPhone manufacturer Mei Song apologized deeply to Apple customers last week, stating she was “immeasurably sorry” that the iPhone 17 is not quite as fast as users hoped, overworked sources report. “My heart goes out to every valued customer who was affected by these performance issues,” said Song, 9. “Quality Control is integral to our operations here at the shop, but sometimes, even we make mistakes. We love the work we do, but we work l

EVANSTON, IL — Dozens of children were left traumatized after an incident at a Sky Zone trampoline park this Wednesday. Eyewitnesses confirmed that after buying a wristband and donning his orange socks, 28 year-old Brandon Chastane jumped headfirst into the foam pit. After several minutes without surfacing, Sky Zone employee Jeremy Renolyds performed an emergency rescue. Later giving this statement to press. “You could tell something was off the second he walked in. We work

NEW YORK — Former New York City Mayor entered a bed-bound frenzy last night after failing to deduce which nurse in his hospital room is secretly Borat, intubated sources confirm. “Don’t think you can just pull a fast one over on me, I’m America’s mayor!” shouted a manic Giuliani in between doses of Ativan. “I know a setup when I see one. I knew it in that damn hotel room, and I know it now! Any minute now, when I’m at my most vulnerable, some sicko wearing lingerie is going t

DIANA BEACH, FL — Spirit Airlines surprised the nation last Saturday after announcing they were shutting down all operations immediately. Leaving passengers who booked tickets with the airline stranded, and workers out of the job. The airline assured passengers they would be refunded the full price of their ticket. But after a bankruptcy hearing on Tuesday, former CEO Dave Davis offered customers a different form of compensation. “Just take a fucking Plane. We at Spirit know

TRENTON, NJ — Last month, the Trenton PD’s brand-new K-9 unit hit the streets, marking the first deployment of police dogs in the city’s history. The dogs have been assisting the local police force in routine duties across the city. The dogs, as they report, have been “extremely proud” to join the fight to uphold the Thin Grey Line between order and chaos. “We're ecstatic to finally be joining the Boys in Grey here in Trenton.” said officer Rex, a loose-cannon English Greyho

WASHINGTON — Anyone in D.C. this past weekend looking to reflect on the state of the nation, had to do so without the aid of the iconic Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. As part of an effort by President Trump to distract from literally everything he has ever done and is still doing. The President has started a number of construction projects across the D.C. area, with the aim of making the capital a better representation of our nation as a whole. “And what color best repres

After opening last weekend to an astonishing $219M at the box office, the Michael movie, which recounts the life and struggle of pop star Michael Jackson, has garnered praise and criticism alike. While some commend the film’s performance and production value, many more seem to be criticizing Michael's complete disregard for the many controversies in which the King of Pop became embroiled throughout his tumultuous life. However, as I trod home after seeing the controversial pi

HILTON, WASHINGTON D.C. — The 2026 White House Correspondents’ Dinner was interrupted and later canceled last Saturday, due to an incident involving gunfire outside of the ballroom. Needless to say, many guests were gravely concerned about the situation. But according to some hotel staff, it may have been a blessing in disguise. “It’s probably for the best” Said Head Chef for the Hilton Gregory Fitzgerald. “Before the dinner my sous comes over and shows me a catering pan ful

ATHENS, Ga. — Tragedy struck a local Zaxby’s last week when part-time fry cook James DuPage, 17, tragically passed away just moments before he could accept a coworker’s closing shift, panicked sources report. “Wait, does this mean I have to go in tomorrow?” asked DuPage’s distressed coworker Colin Montgomery. “Shit, I was gonna go see Hayley Williams with my girlfriend; she’s gonna be so pissed. Are we sure he didn’t accept the request? Has anybody checked? I mean rest in pea

SPRINGFIELD, MO — Established April 22nd 1970, Earth Day continues to be a day of celebration in the name of the place we call home. For years celebrations included Trash Pickups, Community Awareness Events, and other efforts made to benefit our environment. One local teen has taken this message to heart; and out of respect for the environment, elected to vape outside. Needless to say his community was very proud as his parents will tell you. “We’re really happy to see our so

Gemini Photo Booth Hottie Me, waiting with my friends for the Gemini Photo Booth. You, flashed the camera with your friend, left before it printed. AI Remix left your face unrecognizable. But your body spoke for itself. White Claw Witch You were espousing the wonders of wicca with your friends at the White Claw booth. You looked to be mid-50’s, 120lbs, all skin. You were talking me through a recipe for a protection spell and I just couldn’t look away from your soulful, sun-da

CLEVELAND — The vibes in the office turned abysmal this morning as local Sales Rep Johnathan Webster discovered not a single one of his coworkers talking about WrestleMania. “I just can’t believe what I’m not hearing.” said Webster, unable to stand still. “How is nobody talking about the biggest event of the year? Not one person has asked me what matches I had money on. Nobody even pretended to hit me with an RKO. The only logical explanation is I’m being pranked. Everybody’s

LAKE MICHIGAN — Wisconsin Fisherman Jake Bluegill has run his small commercial fishing business for nearly two decades. However, after losing his fourth vessel on Monday to local children playing mermaids, Jake is on the brink of financial ruin. Jake detailed the situation after being rescued by the coast guard. “I’ve got nothing against kids going outside and playing games. Heck, you don't see it enough these days. But this has become something else altogether. The game the

SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — Local woman Annie LaSalle was shocked during a routine psychiatry appointment last week when her psychiatrist of three years, Dr. Leslie Eckert, prescribed LaSalle no less than three hours of scrolling, to be undertaken twice per day. “I mean, it sounded odd at first, but I guess she’s the doctor,” said LaSalle, who has struggled with General Anxiety Disorder since she was a teen. “If she thinks that firing up Instagram and burning through maybe 300, 400 re

NEW YORK — “Super Mario Galaxy” star Chris Pratt found himself unusually speechless during an appearance on The Today Show last week after being asked just why God created the “Good Egg Galaxy.” “It… It’s an interesting question you pose,” said Pratt, following 4 straight minutes of careful thought. “I guess I would say the ‘why?’ of it all is silly to focus on. The Almighty often does things for reasons we cannot hope to understand. All we can do is trust His plan and someti

WASHINGTON, DC — “Have you done your Tax Return?” asks IRS Commissioner Scott Bessent, holding a GLOCK-19 to your temple. With the April 15th deadline fast approaching, Scott Bessent wants to remind everyone “who the fuck is in charge." Bessent further threatened press saying, “You think you can fuck with us? You think your punk ass can open up a new small business and make more than you originally estimated for the fiscal year. ROTT IN HELL YOU DUMB FUCK. Give us everything

HARRIS COUNTY, Tx. — Following months of searching for a job that might actually pay a living wage, local woman Tracy Paulson is now entering the third hour of her application for a local Target, desperate sources confirm. “It started out simple enough,” said Paulson, 23. “Resumé, cover letter, the usual rigamarole. But then, things took a turn. They started asking me to type out my experience, my education, my contact info; you know, things you could easily find on the resum

SPACE — This week, four Astronauts made history in NASA’s first trip back to the moon since Apollo 17. Among other things, this mission planned to have astronauts circle the far side of the moon and set a new record for the furthest distance ever traveled from our planet. While taking approximately 10,000 photos during their lunar fly by, astronauts noticed something strange on the lunar surface. A man sitting unsuited on the lunar surface having a picnic with his dog. Comma