Peace Talks Shouted Over Gunfire

BEIRUT, LEBANON — Global energy costs have continued to soar with the continued closure of the Strait of Hormuz. Despite continued bombing from both the U.S. and Israel, President Trump insists that peace talks are still underway. Trump insists that a permanent cease fire would have been reached weeks ago, were it not for the sounds of heavy artillery and ballistic fire rendering negotiations inaudible. The President elaborated to press saying. 

“You should really hear some of the accents on these guys. I can barely understand them already, so I’m not surprised that our representatives are having trouble understanding them with all the extra noise on top. If I can be candid, I’ve already completely lost interest in this. I had originally used the War Powers act so I could get troops on the ground without having to talk to those perverts over in Congress. But 60 days also sounded like the perfect amount of time for a war. Now this is infringing on hot girl summer, and I’m just done with it.” 

Despite the President's disinterest in the conflict, most Americans have continued to feel the economic impact. Whether it’s at the gas pump or at the grocery store prices have continued to soar. Chicago local and owner of Dave’s Fresh Mart, Dave Fredrick gave this statement about the recent uptick in the cost of goods. 

“It’s a tale as old as time really. Two men in their late seventies get into a conflict with a foreign militant group that results in the closure of one of the world's most important water ways. Then next thing you know gas is ten bucks a gallon. But if I know anything about my country, we’ll have killed the wrong guy and installed someone who’ll have shit fucked up even worse in a few years. But we’ll bomb that bridge when we get to it.” 

The President has continued to keep the public up to date about the conflict. Saying in his latest press briefing,

“This is why we need the ballroom. It’s far too loud in a lot of these places we’re bombing to get any productive conversation done. We’ll invite anyone we’re bombing over for a nice dinner and some dancing. If we had the ballroom up already then I can guarantee that the strait would be open. Also the budget is now five billion dollars, and we’ve already spent it.” 

At press time, the conflict in Iran is still ongoing. The President insists the conflict is in its final days, but Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has been observed sharpening a sword he has dubbed “The Orphan Mangler”.