WHITE HOUSE — Master Negotiator President Trump has talked his way out of several catastrophe’s over the years. But our commander in chief has finally met a foe that cannot be negotiated with. His own body. White House doctors confirmed that President Trump's cholesterol levels are nearly triple that of the average person, in a press briefing on Monday. “The only scientific explanation is that some kind of mutation has occurred,” said White House physician Sean P. Barbabell

EMERYVILLE, Calif. — Audiences worldwide were left horrified after the theatrical premiere of Toy Story 5 Thursday night. According to eyewitnesses, the long-awaited fifth installment of Pixar’s flagship franchise includes several ‘bizarre’ and ‘unexpected’ scenes, including one 3-minute segment that shows viewers the exact moment Bonnie first saw the video of Charlie Kirk’s assassination. “What are some of those core ‘canon moments’ that everyone with a mobile device can rel

WHITE HOUSE — President Trump celebrated his 80th birthday, with a UFC fight held on the White House’s south lawn last Sunday. The event was expected to be a propaganda fueled slug fest, but the fights all proved to be fairly one sided thanks to a surprise addition to the lineup. The zombified corpse of 16th president Abraham Lincoln. Who proved to be unstoppable, ending every fight with a clean knock out and devouring. Cage side commentator Joe Rogan gave this statement befo

WASHINGTON, D.C.— Recent decisions from the executive branch have led to an increase in judicial involvement. Whether it’s setting up a slush fund for insurrectionists or spending possible billions of tax payer dollars on a ballroom, our President's agenda keeps getting snagged on the pesky notion of legality. But that is soon to be a problem of the past, as of June 10th the Senate has confirmed 276 Federal Judges all nominated by Trump. In a show of loyalty one such judge la

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, N.Y. — President Trump was severely injured following a mishap during the half time show of game three of the NBA finals. The 79 year-old was attempting to dunk a basketball alongside the famous New York Knicks City Dancers, when all hell broke loose. Actor and reporter for the Associated Jest, Timothée Chalamet was seated front row and recounted the evening's events. “It was nuts man. We go into halftime and the Knicks are up. Then the arena gets dark

BEIRUT, LEBANON — Global energy costs have continued to soar with the continued closure of the Strait of Hormuz. Despite continued bombing from both the U.S. and Israel, President Trump insists that peace talks are still underway. Trump insists that a permanent cease fire would have been reached weeks ago, were it not for the sounds of heavy artillery and ballistic fire rendering negotiations inaudible. The President elaborated to press saying. “You should really hear some o

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Department of Homeland Security shocked the nation last week, as Secretary Markwayne Mullin announced plans to halt all international flights to US cities containing bike lanes in a press conference Thursday morning. “I can’t stand those fucking things,” an agitated Mullin told reporters. “So pretentious, a whole section of the road reserved for some asshole in booty-shorts. Well, frankly that is not the kind of image these great United States want to po

THE MOON — United States forces carried out a series of devastating airstrikes targeting the Moon’s South Pole last week in a move that U.S. Central Command justified as “precautionary and undoubtedly necessary.” “I can assure the American people that last week’s airstrikes on the moon were absolutely essential to ensuring the continued safety of our great nation.” explained CENTCOM spokesman Darrel Healey. “After NASA’s recent announcement regarding plans to construct a so-c

JORDAN, Mont. — Local Proud Boy and Capitol insurrectionist Kevin Lawrence may finally have the means to become the Aggravated Arsonist he’s always dreamed of being, thanks to the Justice Department’s creation of a $1.776 billion dollar “Anti-Weaponization Fund”, sources dangerously close to kerosene report. “I just can’t believe it’s finally happening,” a teary-eyed Lawrence told reporters Monday night. “It feels like a dream come true, it really does. I had a feeling I was

AMAZON WAREHOUSE (DFX5) — Workers at Illinois Amazon Warehouse (DFX5) were shocked last payday to find Amazon was no longer offering compensation in the form of the U.S. Dollar. Instead offering employees compensation in the form of Scrip or Company Money, that they are able to redeem exclusively through Amazon Prime. An anonymous Packer from within the facility gave this statement to press. “How am I supposed to pay my rent in Amazon gift cards? I tried to sell my landlord

NEW YORK — Former New York City Mayor entered a bed-bound frenzy last night after failing to deduce which nurse in his hospital room is secretly Borat, intubated sources confirm. “Don’t think you can just pull a fast one over on me, I’m America’s mayor!” shouted a manic Giuliani in between doses of Ativan. “I know a setup when I see one. I knew it in that damn hotel room, and I know it now! Any minute now, when I’m at my most vulnerable, some sicko wearing lingerie is going t

TRENTON, NJ — Last month, the Trenton PD’s brand-new K-9 unit hit the streets, marking the first deployment of police dogs in the city’s history. The dogs have been assisting the local police force in routine duties across the city. The dogs, as they report, have been “extremely proud” to join the fight to uphold the Thin Grey Line between order and chaos. “We're ecstatic to finally be joining the Boys in Grey here in Trenton.” said officer Rex, a loose-cannon English Greyho

WASHINGTON — Anyone in D.C. this past weekend looking to reflect on the state of the nation, had to do so without the aid of the iconic Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. As part of an effort by President Trump to distract from literally everything he has ever done and is still doing. The President has started a number of construction projects across the D.C. area, with the aim of making the capital a better representation of our nation as a whole. “And what color best repres

HILTON, WASHINGTON D.C. — The 2026 White House Correspondents’ Dinner was interrupted and later canceled last Saturday, due to an incident involving gunfire outside of the ballroom. Needless to say, many guests were gravely concerned about the situation. But according to some hotel staff, it may have been a blessing in disguise. “It’s probably for the best” Said Head Chef for the Hilton Gregory Fitzgerald. “Before the dinner my sous comes over and shows me a catering pan ful

WASHINGTON, DC — “Have you done your Tax Return?” asks IRS Commissioner Scott Bessent, holding a GLOCK-19 to your temple. With the April 15th deadline fast approaching, Scott Bessent wants to remind everyone “who the fuck is in charge." Bessent further threatened press saying, “You think you can fuck with us? You think your punk ass can open up a new small business and make more than you originally estimated for the fiscal year. ROTT IN HELL YOU DUMB FUCK. Give us everything

WHITE HOUSE — As the war in Iran continues, Iranian State Media has taken to social media with Lego themed AI videos. Up until yesterday these videos were seen as harmless good natured ribbing. But then Iranian State Media took it one step too far. After the usual cracks at foreign policy, Lego effigies of the nation's leaders threatened to deploy The Masters of Spinjitzu. President Trump responded within minutes on Truth Social. “THESE CRAZY BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This year, I had the unfortunate privilege of securing a press pass to the 2026 White House Easter Egg Roll. I had never possessed any intention of actually attending the event, but mushroom chocolates have a way of taking you to unexpected places. While the celebration was overall very entertaining, the evening presented one challenge that I could’ve done without. I was, in a word, deeply disturbed by the official White House Easter Bunny’s incessant requests to see my paper

DALLAS, TX — Wait times at airports hit astronomical highs last weekend due to the ongoing shortage of TSA agents willing to work for free. The government was forced to reallocate some resources, as Texas Governor Greg Abott explained to the press. “We said, 'Okay. These lazy fucks won’t work for free. So who do we know that’ll give people invasive pat downs and search their shit, just for the love of the game?' Then it hit me, ICE!!!” But the Immigration and Customs Enforc

CHICAGO — McDonald's has partnered with US Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. for the brand-new limited-time "RFK Jr. Measles & McNuggets Meal," a spokesperson for the company reports. "Honestly, we're just trying shit with these crossover meals." said McDonald's VP of Marketing Michelle Peters. "I mean we never in a million years thought [Secretary Kennedy] would actually agree to it. Like, what? But we were having some drinks, just pitching anythin

SHEPHERDSVILLE, Ky. — Amidst a bundle of grocery store ads, insurance scams, and flyers from internet service providers, one piece of mail in particular, sent from the so-called "Selective Service System", stuck out to local man John Passinissi, sources in denial report. "I mean it can't be real, right?" said Passinissi, pausing intermittently to stare at nothing. "It's gotta be spam... right? It has to be... It-- I get so much mail claiming this, that, or the other, but it's