Correspondents' Dinner Shooting Saves Guests From Week Old Tilapia

HILTON, WASHINGTON D.C. — The 2026 White House Correspondents’ Dinner was interrupted and later canceled last Saturday, due to an incident involving gunfire outside of the ballroom. Needless to say, many guests were gravely concerned about the situation. But according to some hotel staff, it may have been a blessing in disguise. 

“It’s probably for the best” Said Head Chef for the Hilton Gregory Fitzgerald. “Before the dinner my sous comes over and shows me a catering pan full of last week's Tilapia. I gave it a smell and it was pretty rough. But people were already sitting down, so I had no choice but to say fuck it and serve it up with a cream sauce.” 

Later tests performed by the Health Department confirmed that the level of illness causing bacteria within the fish was off the charts. Had anyone at the dinner actually consumed the fish, they would have needed immediate medivac to the nearest hospital.  

“All I can say is thank god we have a President that so many people want to kill” Said Chef Greg

“Had this been your typical run of the mill Correspondents’ Dinner, people wouldn’t have made it past the openers before they were firing from both ends.” 

Word of the questionable entree made its way throughout Washington and eventually to the President himself. Who responded on Truth Social saying 

“LAST NIGHT I DODGED NOT ONE, NOT TWO, NOT THREE, BUT FOUR BULLETS!!!!

THREE FROM THE BARREL OF A GUN AND ONE FROM THE DEPTHS OF THE ATLANTIC. 

ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT EVEN IF THIS BEAUTIFUL EVENT WAS NOT INTERUPTED BY THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE, I WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE!” 

It was later revealed that at every dinner he has ever attended the President has forgone the offered entrees. Instead ordering a McDonald's Quarter Pounder off Uber Eats. So even if the event had gone interrupted, the President would not have eaten the fish. 

At press time, President Trump is insisting the dinner be rescheduled. In lieu of the scheduled host, Trump plans to host himself and give lengthy speeches about his immortality. The event will still be held at the Hilton although dinner will not be provided, as every member of the kitchen staff mysteriously fell ill over the weekend.