Trump Still Negotiating Ceasefire With Cholesterol

WHITE HOUSE — Master Negotiator President Trump has talked his way out of several catastrophe’s over the years. But our commander in chief has finally met a foe that cannot be negotiated with. His own body. White House doctors confirmed that President Trump's cholesterol levels are nearly triple that of the average person, in a press briefing on Monday. 

“The only scientific explanation is that some kind of mutation has occurred,” said  White House physician Sean P. Barbabella. “This amount of cholesterol cannot physically fit inside the average human heart. His body has somehow found a way to run many of its vital functions solely using cholesterol. It’d be pretty impressive, if I weren’t so damn scared.” 

Despite the level of scientific curiosity in the President’s condition. The President repeatedly denied further blood testing. Assuring everyone that he is as healthy as ten 80 year men, in several posts online. 

“RED BLOOD CELLS ARE OVERRATED” 

“ANYONE WHO SAYS THAT 500 mg/dL ISN’T MEDICALLY POSSIBLE NEEDS TO BE SHOT AND KILLED.” 

“PEOPLE SAY THAT THERE IS GOOD CHOLESTEROL AND BAD CHOLESTEROL. WELL I’M SO FULL OF THE GOOD CHOLESTEROL THAT THERE’S NO SPACE FOR ANYTHING ELSE THAT’S HOW HEALTHY I AM!” 

The President continued to refuse medical attention until an incident at the Freedom 250 State Fair Event. Following his 9th footlong corndog, the President fell to the ground clutching his chest. Medical teams attempted to move the President to a nearby hospital, but he still refused. Saying,

“I am implementing the same strategy I used with Israel and Iran. If you can’t get a ceasefire, find a way to use the fire. Live with it, and make it the norm. Though it seems cholesterol may not be a suitable substitute for blood, I still believe that we can convince the world that daily bombings and $10’s a gallon of gas is the way things should be.” 

At press time, The President is dead.