WHITE HOUSE — President Trump celebrated his 80th birthday, with a UFC fight held on the White House’s south lawn last Sunday. The event was expected to be a propaganda fueled slug fest, but the fights all proved to be fairly one sided thanks to a surprise addition to the lineup. The zombified corpse of 16th president Abraham Lincoln. Who proved to be unstoppable, ending every fight with a clean knock out and devouring. Cage side commentator Joe Rogan gave this statement befo

LOS ANGELES — Before the event even began, shit got real at the United States vs. Paraguay World Cup Match Friday night. Just moments before kick-off, American forward Christian Pulisic reportedly disengaged the safety on his 429 Desert Eagle, terrified Paraguayan sources confirmed. “I knew we were playing the US but Jesus Christ.” said Paraguayan midfielder Julio Enciso, refusing to take his eyes off Pulisic. “Honestly, though, I understand. I bet he’s scared shitless. Pulis

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, N.Y. — President Trump was severely injured following a mishap during the half time show of game three of the NBA finals. The 79 year-old was attempting to dunk a basketball alongside the famous New York Knicks City Dancers, when all hell broke loose. Actor and reporter for the Associated Jest, Timothée Chalamet was seated front row and recounted the evening's events. “It was nuts man. We go into halftime and the Knicks are up. Then the arena gets dark

LAS VEGAS, NV — This Memorial Day Weekend was special for a number of reasons. In addition to the long weekend spent in honor of our fallen military members, last Sunday was also host to The Enhanced Games. The multi-sport event/supplement ad, was intended to showcase what athletes could accomplish with the help of steroids and other performance enhancers typically banned across traditional athletic competitions. In an attempt to draw a parallel to The Olympics, The Enhanced

A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY - LA Lakers star LeBron James has informed the team that he will be spending his offseason in the Dagobah System to train with long-time mentor Yoda. “Look, man. I’m 42. Last time I went out there was the summer before my first MVP. [I’m] looking forward to getting back with Yoda, getting back in touch with the Force, things of that nature” James commented. “Whatever I can do to extend my playing career, I’m gonna do it. Whether that’s force-lifting an

PINE BLUFF, Ark. — A true stand-out player in the Pine Bluff Community Center Men's Recreational League, local shooting guard Derek Sawyer, 36, has reportedly never lost a game to 4-time NBA Most Valuable Player Lebron James of the Los Angeles Lakers. "What can I say?" posited Sawyer while pump-faking an imaginary defender, "I never lose. Never. Especially to LeBron. How many people can really say that? Everybody hypes LeBron as a legend, a titan of the game, but he's never b

2.5 Stars. Why are they dancing? The Pats are losing.

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Philadelphia's beloved baseball mascot has made no secret of his battle with long term illness over the years. Decades of chronic substance abuse combined with generational inbreeding have taken a heavy toll on the physical and mental health of the Phanatic. After the Phanatic was admitted to the emergency room late on Sunday, the Phillies received a letter of intent from the University of Pennsylvania stating “Dibs” on the oversized muppet's carcass. Presi

FRANKLIN COUNTY, Ind. -- Former high school quarterback James Bahl "totally could have gone pro" if not for a career-ending interest in the law, bar-certified sources confirm. "I remember just before my senior season started. I was eighteen, and I had just been called to jury duty for the first time." said Bahl, "I remember sitting in that jury box, watching the attorneys fight for their clients. I thought, 'hey I could do that, and I wouldn't need to get hit in the head ever