Enhanced Games Hands Out Single "Enhanced" Condom

LAS VEGAS, NV — This Memorial Day Weekend was special for a number of reasons. In addition to the long weekend spent in honor of our fallen military members, last Sunday was also host to The Enhanced Games. The multi-sport event/supplement ad, was intended to showcase what athletes could accomplish with the help of steroids and other performance enhancers typically banned across traditional athletic competitions. In an attempt to draw a parallel to The Olympics, The Enhanced Games offered special “Enhanced” Condoms for all athletes. However, as the events founder Aron D’Souza told Press they did not have many takers. 

“One…we gave out a single condom. At every Olympics all those gorgeous freaks of nature start going at it like rabbits. We figured by adding steroids to the mix the problem would only worsen. In preparation we surveyed all our athletes about their sexual health and determined that an entirely new form of contraceptive was going to be necessary.”

After consulting the doctors of over a dozen of the athletes, Enhanced Games production teams discovered that the average penis length of an enhanced games athlete was 2in. Many of the athletes relied entirely on outside sources for testosterone and other hormones usually produced naturally. Thus rendering nearly all of the male athletes' genitals useless.  

“Our findings were shocking to say the least. But if there’s one thing we know about our athletes, it’s that they are determined. We knew even if their genitals were permanently damaged from steroid use, it was up to us to protect whatever they had left.” 

Enhanced Games “Scientists” quickly went to work developing a prophylactic specifically for use among their athletes. The resulting “Enhanced Condom” could comfortably and effectively sheath a penis whose length ranged from 2in all the way down to 15mm. Glowing with pride, Enhanced Games producers distributed the product for use among the athletes, but were disappointed with the product's reception. As the products only taker, steroid free runner Fred Kerley told press. 

“At first I thought it was some kind of disposable thimble. I had no idea why they were handing these things out, but these dumb motherfuckers were offering so much money I didn’t really care. I took one out of curiosity and ending up playing with it for a good twenty minutes before I went out and smoked all those juiced mother fuckers. I managed to get it over most of my ring finger before it broke. 2/10 would not recommend.” 

At press time, The Enhanced Games organizers are left with upwards of ten-thousand of the nearly useless prophylactics. Despite initial difficulty selling the products, they have found a small market in tech circles, as well as among nearly all of the world's billionaires. Despite the deep pockets of most Enhanced Condom users however, the company is yet to turn a profit. As nearly every individual capable of using the product is physically incapable of having sex more than once every few years.