AMC NEWCITY — 28 Year Old Joseph Klearny loves a good movie. So much in fact that last Christmas he was given an AMC Stubs A List Membership. Initially he was thrilled, but after the events of this last weekend he may be wishing he just got some cash instead. After his fourth screening of Spiderman Brand New Day, Klearny discovered that his fingers had become too buttery to operate the door and leave the theater. After being rescued by paramedics Klearny gave this statement.

WASHINGTON D.C. — The national debt hit 40 trillion over the weekend, equaling roughly $177,000 for every person living here. Facing an amount of debt near imaginary, government officials were left with only a single option. Hitting up mom for some cash. “We know 250 is a little old to be doing this. But we’re in a bit of a transition period right now and we just need a little something to help us stay afloat while we figure stuff out.” U.S. Officials asked mom. But unfortun

TURKEY — After a long and tedious NATO Summit, White House staffers were mentally prepping for the roughly 11 hour flight back to D.C.. Long flights are never fun for anyone, but according to sources aboard Air Force One, flights with President Trump are near unbearable. White House Correspondent for the Associated Jest, Francis Hanover gave us the inside scoop. “Usually before takeoff he takes a fat shit. That of course stinks up the whole plane before we’ve even left the g

CHICAGO — Every year residents of Chicago are awed and annoyed by Military Jet teams and stunt pilots. For some the spectacle is part of a relaxing weekend of watching death defying wastes of Taxpayer dollars. For others it’s an earsplitting nuisance. Regardless of your feelings on the Air and Water show, City officials confirmed, it’s going to be nothing compared to what’s to come. “We’re gonna blow some fucking shit up,” said Mayor of Chicago Brandon Johnson. “I’m talking

THE LABYRINTH — 47 Year Old Mark Gustiano was laid off from his factory job nine months ago. Mark decided to make the best of his situation and devote some of his extra time to a long neglected passion project. Building a Labyrinth. However, as Mark will tell you things quickly got out of hand. “Some people like to read mysteries or do jigsaws. But me, I’m a Labyrinth kinda guy,” said Gustiano. “Something about a structure so dizzyingly complex that no coherent path can be d

LAKE MCCONAUGHY, NEBRASKA — Located just 8 miles northeast of Ogallala Nebraska sits Nebraska’s largest reservoir, Lake McConaughy. A beautiful body of water that has served as a getaway for Mechanic Freddie Dawson, for nearly two decades. It was during his latest trip, sitting lakeside, toes in the water, four beers deep, that Dawson had a revelation. “Man this is it” said Dawson. “There have been times where I leave a 14 shift at work and wonder what it’s all for. Why is t

PEORIA, IL — Despite the state of the country as a whole, it is still summer. A time for relaxing, enjoying the weather, and maybe even grabbing an ice cream or two. For Jerry McCullin, driver of The Ice Cream Wagon Summers like these would usually be a gold mine. But for some reason, business has been slow this year. “Usually I start making my rounds in mid June,” said McCullin. “But this year I started cruising the normal spots and there’s nothing. After my third day of co

LOVE ISLAND — Season 8 of Love Island recently came to an end, with Bryce and Trinity winning the $100,000 grand prize. As the contestants and camera crews pack up and leave, the natives of Love Island have once again been left to pick up the pieces. But how did this once beautiful island come to be terrorized year after year by a reality dating franchise. Love Island Anthropologist and lifelong native Devo Adora gave us an in-depth look into the island's tumultuous past. “L

BUENOS AIRES — Looking to make a comeback following their loss to Spain in this year’s World Cup Final, Argentine Football Association President Claudio Tapia announced this morning that Argentina’s national team has already begun training for their next big challenge: Major League Baseball’s highly-coveted World Series Championship. “This is far from the last that sports fans will hear from Argentina this year.” Tapia boldly informed reporters during a press conference outsi

MICHIGAN — Lettuce Farmer Arthur Ferris recently came clean. With the recent outbreak of stomach parasites spreading across the U.S. Arthur knew it was only a matter of time before it would be traced back to him. Looking to avoid jail time, Arthur gave the police this statement, “I’VE BEEN SHITTING IN THE LETTUCE FIELD FOR YEARS!” Arthur screamed in between sobs. “I have nearly 1,500 acres that I’m maintaining. If I’m all the way at the far end of the pasture and nature calls

THE ENTIRE WORLD — Tensions between the U.S. and Iran have continued to escalate over the last few weeks. The U.S. has reinstituted a Naval blockade within the strait, and continued to carry out strikes on Iran. However all hostilities within the region have reportedly stopped during the World Cup Finals between England and Argentina. “Yeah everything was kinda turning to shit there for a second,” Said U.S. Naval Commander Thomas Green. “But then we figured fuck it, lets jus

WASHINGTON — The United States of America remains reportedly resolute in acting as if Republican Senator Mitch McConnell is still alive despite mounting evidence to the contrary, sources you can definitely trust report. “Senator McConnell is more alive than anyone has ever been.” White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt assured reporters Friday evening. “Just this morning, I saw him doing cartwheels in front of the Capitol building. The man is fine, great actually. We’ve

WASHINGTON, D.C — Hundreds of masked men carrying the confederate flag marched through the capitol on Independence day. The group was led by Neo Fascist Thomas Rousseau, founder of the white supremesist organization Patriot Front. After marching around the capitol for a few hours, the group meandered towards some other famous D.C. landmarks. Including The National Museum of African Art. The group arrived with the intention of protesting, but upon viewing one exhibit in partic

YOUR ROOM — Your eyes shoot open at the sound of the alarm clock. Your head, already throbbing with the coming hangover. You knew you had to open today, but you stayed out late anyway. You reach a groggy hand over to the blaring clock, and snooze it. Drifting soundly back to sleep. When you wake up, you can’t believe your eyes. You're in a hospital. Confused, you sit up. Your bones ache, a nest of tubes snake their way in and out of your body. Including a massive one down yo

PLANO, Texas — Local man Travis Carlisle’s dreams of gainful employment were firmly and summarily crushed last week, after Carlisle’s promising interview at Frito-Lay was driven completely off the rails by a table that would not stop wobbling. “It was brutal, it really was.” said Carlisle, recounting the grisly incident. “The damn table started wobbling as soon as I walked in. We tried to ignore it at first, I made some stupid joke and tried to play it off. But as the intervi

MILWAUKEE, WI — It’s the Fourth of July, and the 250th Anniversary of our country. Despite the summer heat waves, many cities are preparing their fireworks displays for this evening. However, with growing trends relating nationalism to right wing extremism, it’s tough to sound patriotic while still making clear you don’t support authoritarians. However Chief Aaron D. Lipski of the Milwaukee Fire Department, has found a creative solution to the problem. “It’s tough these days

AUSTIN - As the same day repeats on end, 56 year old Clyde Porchus says he sees no reason to abandon his pattern of selfish, destructive behavior. “I know every day when I wake up, it’s gonna be the same shit. If everybody else is gonna do the same thing, why shouldn’t I?” Porchus asked. “Matter of fact, why not take it up a notch? If I do something bad, these people aren’t gonna remember it tomorrow anyhow.” Since discovering the nature of his situation, Porchus has publicly

WHITE HOUSE — Master Negotiator President Trump has talked his way out of several catastrophe’s over the years. But our commander in chief has finally met a foe that cannot be negotiated with. His own body. White House doctors confirmed that President Trump's cholesterol levels are nearly triple that of the average person, in a press briefing on Monday. “The only scientific explanation is that some kind of mutation has occurred,” said White House physician Sean P. Barbabell

CHICAGO— Drivers in the city of Chicago should be on high alert, as the city’s Department of Water Management has reportedly installed a fire hydrant right where you parked. “The decision to install a fire hydrant right where you parked was not an impulsive one, I can assure you.” explained Chicago Department of Water Management Commissioner Randy Conner. “It took months of careful planning, scouting, and surveying to select and confirm that spot for installation of a fire

BOCA CHICA, Texas — Tragedy struck the Northbound 52 bus last week as weird tech mogul and world’s first trillionaire Elon Musk lost his entire fortune while commuting to his Boca Chica home, frantic sources report. “I just had it! You’ve got to be kidding me.” exclaimed a distraught Musk Friday afternoon. “Someone on this bus has it, I know they do. Valet! Stop the bus this instant. One of these wretched ‘poors’ has my trillion, and I intend to reclaim every penny. Valet! Wh