LOS ANGELES — 32 Year Old Eddie Osborne was devastated this past weekend, when after a romantic evening with his girlfriend panic started to set in. Despite the perfect day with the perfect woman, staring at a seaside sunset all Eddie was able to think of was the oncoming darkness. Eddie later recounted the evening saying.   “It was a bit of a mood killer as you might imagine. One minute we’re sitting there and it’s a beautiful afternoon at the beach. Then out of fucking nowh

CHICAGO — December 17th started the same as any other day, at the residence of Walter Higgins and Thomas Gallagher. But unfortunately for Mr. Gallagher Wednesday was cleaning day. While doing the dishes Mr. Higgins found something that pushed him over the edge. The last of his pristine tupperware sitting in the sink, caked in tomato sauce. Mr. Higgins said this in his statement to the police.  “It was my last, mother fucking one god dam it. I had a clean full set when I moved

DENVER — On Friday 25 year old Martha Pullman got into a heated argument with her boyfriend, 23 year old Max Denton. The conflict came about during their weekly movie night after Max had picked one of his favorite films. When the movie was over Max was flabbergasted and explained to Martha that the movie was way less sexist when he’s by himself. Something strange had happened.  “I have no idea what happened! I’m no physicist but best as I can figure it was some kind of Schrod

BOISE, Idaho – Amidst ballooning mortgage costs and the looming threat of another recession, cash-strapped pets in Idaho and across the United States have all but given up hope on the prospect of homeowning, quadripedal sources confirm. “The market really is ruff [sic] right now, especially for younger pets.” said Luna, a local Pekingese. “With so many pets struggling to make ends meet as it is, home ownership is the last thing on our minds. So for now, we’re stuck in this he

Over the last few days, you may have seen a sly little fable the libs are passing around, alleging that our smart, healthy, capable and healthy leader, President Donald J. Trump, shit his pants during a televised press conference. I hope I do not have to tell you, good Patriotic reader, that this claim is a complete fabrication with absolutely no basis in reality. But, even if our brave Commander-in-Chief had shit himself: Who cares? For starters, Trump is far from the first

WASHINGTON – Nearly a century after the historic passing of the Fair Labor Standards Act, United States’ Federal Minimum Wage will be officially retired, according to a bill passed by Congress last week. “Recently, we’ve seen a lot of local businesses across all industries try to help consumers by offering more affordable ‘pay what you can’ options for their products and services,” explained Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “But we know a lot of employers have been strug

TOBY’S TOY’S, CHICAGO — Like many toy stores, Toby’s is a place for joy. A place where dreams come true and excited kids get to take home their favorite toys. But for one such toy this is also a place of existential dread.  “When I was first shipped in I thought I was the same as any other Rubix Cube. But then as we were all getting put on the shelf, I found out something different was in store for me. Toby himself takes me out of my box and puts me back on the shelf naked as

FORT WORTH, TX — 14 Year Old Riley Jackson had heard about the cuts to school spending across the country. But having attended school online for the past three years, Riley assumed that he would be unaffected. This rapidly proved not to be the case as Riley’s Mother/Principal would tell you.  “We run a pretty tight ship here at Jackson Family Education. Our student body is currently a single student. You would think with class sizes this small we would be able to stretch our