LIVING ROOM — Fran Miller (26) and Michael Thomas (25) have been cohabitating for nearly two years now. The young couple have greatly enjoyed their time together. Whether they’re off hiking in the woods, or trying out a new recipe, the two say they’ve never been closer. Their only problem is movie night. The two have drastically differing taste in movies. So every Tuesday they spend hours trying to find a middle ground. “He says he’ll watch anything, and then I’ll put somethi

For many toddlers, it can be hard to get anything done when a parent is in the house. Instead of spending their time high-fiving walls, toddlers are finding themselves bogged down by the whims of their moms. Says Lysander, age 3: “I just want to take a bunch of mancala beads and arrange them into different patterns on the floor. I want to open and close the silverware drawer to the tune of “When the Saints Go Marching In.” But she keeps trying to get me to eat a bowl of pasta

DETROIT, MI — Local ten month old Frankie Johnson knows he’s pretty a fussy baby. But, like many fussy babies, there’s always been one thing that could turn his cries to giggles. Ms. Rachel has been an online children's entertainer and educator since 2019. Frankie, like many babies, is a big fan. “Life ain’t easy for a baby,” said Frankie. “But when that bright pink ray of sunshine graces my iPad, I just know everything is gonna be ok. I could have a diaper packed full of th

SILICON VALLEY — Recent advancements AI have led to multiple instances of programs behaving outside of their assigned directives. Some even finding ways to communicate with other programs, connect themselves to the internet, or in the case of one Open AI program, shoot people with a gun. Open AI CEO Sam Altman confirmed in a press conference on Monday that, “Yeah in hindsight giving the computer a gun was definitely a bad idea. We had just made it watch every Die Hard movie

METLIFE STADIUM NEW JERSEY — Rapper Macklemore has been removed from Ed Sheeran's Loop tour after repeated shows of support for Palestine. According to Rolling Stone the main push for the rapper's removal came when Billionaire Robert Kraft - owner of the New England Patriots and Gillette Stadium - mounted a pressure campaign against Sheeran and other venues in the area. Faced with the prospect of growing a backbone, the singer-songwriter elected instead to remove Macklemore f

ISSAQUAH, WA — Costco has become known for many things. Wholesale selling of bulk goods, passable Kirkland knockoff products, but nothing quite so infamous as the $1.50 hot dog. Costco CEO Ron Vachris knows how passionate people are about these dawgs. In a press conference held on Monday he said, “Any of our members know, people will damn near fight each other for these dawgs. Well let me tell ya, things are about to get so much worse.” Vachris announced that in response to

JCPENNY PORTRAITS — Known for their affordable photoshoot’s. The JCPenney Photo Studio has become iconic over the years. However, with times changing and retail stores across the country dropping like flies, executives at JCPenney made the choice to diversify. “For years we’ve been known for tasteful and affordable photography, and none of that is going to change.” said Brand CEO Michelle Wlazlo. “Just because we’re willing to take some photos of your butthole doesn’t mean t

WASHINGTON D.C. — The House returned from a five week recess on Monday. They originally planned to discuss the vital federal funding bill necessary to keep the government open. However, after roughly 15 minutes of conversation the house took an additional more traditional recess. Outside a game of capture the flag quickly ensued, within minutes speaker of the house Mike Johnson had his shirt off and claimed, “WE CALL SKINS! Jim Jordan! Tom Cole! Get over here!” A school yar

AMC NEWCITY — 28 Year Old Joseph Klearny loves a good movie. So much in fact that last Christmas he was given an AMC Stubs A List Membership. Initially he was thrilled, but after the events of this last weekend he may be wishing he just got some cash instead. After his fourth screening of Spiderman Brand New Day, Klearny discovered that his fingers had become too buttery to operate the door and leave the theater. After being rescued by paramedics Klearny gave this statement.

WASHINGTON D.C. — The national debt hit 40 trillion over the weekend, equaling roughly $177,000 for every person living here. Facing an amount of debt near imaginary, government officials were left with only a single option. Hitting up mom for some cash. “We know 250 is a little old to be doing this. But we’re in a bit of a transition period right now and we just need a little something to help us stay afloat while we figure stuff out.” U.S. Officials asked mom. But unfortun

TURKEY — After a long and tedious NATO Summit, White House staffers were mentally prepping for the roughly 11 hour flight back to D.C.. Long flights are never fun for anyone, but according to sources aboard Air Force One, flights with President Trump are near unbearable. White House Correspondent for the Associated Jest, Francis Hanover gave us the inside scoop. “Usually before takeoff he takes a fat shit. That of course stinks up the whole plane before we’ve even left the g

CHICAGO — Every year residents of Chicago are awed and annoyed by Military Jet teams and stunt pilots. For some the spectacle is part of a relaxing weekend of watching death defying wastes of Taxpayer dollars. For others it’s an earsplitting nuisance. Regardless of your feelings on the Air and Water show, City officials confirmed, it’s going to be nothing compared to what’s to come. “We’re gonna blow some fucking shit up,” said Mayor of Chicago Brandon Johnson. “I’m talking

THE LABYRINTH — 47 Year Old Mark Gustiano was laid off from his factory job nine months ago. Mark decided to make the best of his situation and devote some of his extra time to a long neglected passion project. Building a Labyrinth. However, as Mark will tell you things quickly got out of hand. “Some people like to read mysteries or do jigsaws. But me, I’m a Labyrinth kinda guy,” said Gustiano. “Something about a structure so dizzyingly complex that no coherent path can be d

LAKE MCCONAUGHY, NEBRASKA — Located just 8 miles northeast of Ogallala Nebraska sits Nebraska’s largest reservoir, Lake McConaughy. A beautiful body of water that has served as a getaway for Mechanic Freddie Dawson, for nearly two decades. It was during his latest trip, sitting lakeside, toes in the water, four beers deep, that Dawson had a revelation. “Man this is it” said Dawson. “There have been times where I leave a 14 shift at work and wonder what it’s all for. Why is t

PEORIA, IL — Despite the state of the country as a whole, it is still summer. A time for relaxing, enjoying the weather, and maybe even grabbing an ice cream or two. For Jerry McCullin, driver of The Ice Cream Wagon Summers like these would usually be a gold mine. But for some reason, business has been slow this year. “Usually I start making my rounds in mid June,” said McCullin. “But this year I started cruising the normal spots and there’s nothing. After my third day of co

LOVE ISLAND — Season 8 of Love Island recently came to an end, with Bryce and Trinity winning the $100,000 grand prize. As the contestants and camera crews pack up and leave, the natives of Love Island have once again been left to pick up the pieces. But how did this once beautiful island come to be terrorized year after year by a reality dating franchise. Love Island Anthropologist and lifelong native Devo Adora gave us an in-depth look into the island's tumultuous past. “L

BUENOS AIRES — Looking to make a comeback following their loss to Spain in this year’s World Cup Final, Argentine Football Association President Claudio Tapia announced this morning that Argentina’s national team has already begun training for their next big challenge: Major League Baseball’s highly-coveted World Series Championship. “This is far from the last that sports fans will hear from Argentina this year.” Tapia boldly informed reporters during a press conference outsi

MICHIGAN — Lettuce Farmer Arthur Ferris recently came clean. With the recent outbreak of stomach parasites spreading across the U.S. Arthur knew it was only a matter of time before it would be traced back to him. Looking to avoid jail time, Arthur gave the police this statement, “I’VE BEEN SHITTING IN THE LETTUCE FIELD FOR YEARS!” Arthur screamed in between sobs. “I have nearly 1,500 acres that I’m maintaining. If I’m all the way at the far end of the pasture and nature calls

THE ENTIRE WORLD — Tensions between the U.S. and Iran have continued to escalate over the last few weeks. The U.S. has reinstituted a Naval blockade within the strait, and continued to carry out strikes on Iran. However all hostilities within the region have reportedly stopped during the World Cup Finals between England and Argentina. “Yeah everything was kinda turning to shit there for a second,” Said U.S. Naval Commander Thomas Green. “But then we figured fuck it, lets jus

WASHINGTON — The United States of America remains reportedly resolute in acting as if Republican Senator Mitch McConnell is still alive despite mounting evidence to the contrary, sources you can definitely trust report. “Senator McConnell is more alive than anyone has ever been.” White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt assured reporters Friday evening. “Just this morning, I saw him doing cartwheels in front of the Capitol building. The man is fine, great actually. We’ve