Brandon Johnson Negotiates Sale of Vatican City Parking Meters to UAE

VATICAN CITY — Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson arrived in Italy this Thursday. Him along with the 46 person delegation funded by World Business Chicago, were thrilled to meet with former Chicago native, Pope Leo XIV. During the meeting Johnson and the delegates ran a number of banger ideas by his holiness. Chief amongst them, the no miss strategy of selling vital infrastructure to private interests. Despite the proven track record of this strategy the pope had some questions. 

“So whya can’t de people just park where evera they wanta?” Said the pope with an unexplained Italian accent. 

“Don’ta get me wronga. I lovea de United Arab Emirates as mucha de next guy. But I just don’t a see the need to sell de parking. It already maka de money, no?” 

Assuming this accent was something that just came along with the papacy. Johnson and his delegation clarified the details of the plan. 

“So you see your holiness,” Said Johnson

“We sell all the meters, essentially in perpetuity, for a small amount of money now. Then later on when the meters start making more money. We won’t be able to afford to buy them back.” 

Johnson clarified that while this idea was not his. He continues to do nothing about it. Later in the meeting while she was drawing some kind of diagram. Former CEO of Footlocker and actual member of the delegation Mary Dillion, inadvertently knocked the pope's hat off of his head. The pope quickly spasmed and fell to the floor. After regaining consciousness the pope gave this statement in ragged breaths. 

“What the fuck…what the actual fuck.” Said the pope, without a hint of the previous accent. 

“You gotta help me Brandon. Please! What they don’t tell you is there is no place for popes in heaven. The soul of every single pope stays here. Trapped in that damn hat. The second it’s placed on your head, you’ll hear them. The voices of generations all screaming, clamouring for power, desperate to be heard. It’s madness.” 

After a brief exchange of glances among Brandon Johnson's delegation, the hat was quickly picked up and placed back onto the pope's head. He responded in turn saying. 

“A thanka you. It was a so colda down there ona de floor.” 

At press time, the pope is selling parking meters all across Vatican City just as quickly as they’re being installed. Meanwhile Brandon Johnson and his delegation are eager to do some sight seeing within the region on tax payer dollars, before heading back state side.