US Fires Preemptive Strike on NASA Moonbase

THE MOON — United States forces carried out a series of devastating airstrikes targeting the Moon’s South Pole last week in a move that U.S. Central Command justified as “precautionary and undoubtedly necessary.”

“I can assure the American people that last week’s airstrikes on the moon were absolutely essential to ensuring the continued safety of our great nation.” explained CENTCOM spokesman Darrel Healey. “After NASA’s recent announcement regarding plans to construct a so-called ‘research base’ on the surface of the moon, we got to thinking. We asked ourselves ‘If they’re able to develop an entire base on the moon, what else might they be able to build up there? Perhaps a nuclear weapon? Maybe even a whole fleet of nuclear weapons? And that’s when we knew we had to do something.”

While the press surrounding the attacks may have done serious damage to the United States’ reputation, a spokesman for NASA reports that the attacks themselves were largely harmless.

“Yeah I really can’t  for the life of me figure out why they thought this would work”, said Jordan Pratchett, a NASA engineer involved in planning the Moonbase. “They sent unmanned drones into space and just dropped several ballistic missiles just above the Moon’s surface. For those who don’t work in aerospace and may not know, when you drop something in space it usually just kind of floats, and that’s exactly what happened. Most of the missiles just kind of floated for a little bit, miles away from the moon, before colliding with various asteroids and other space junk, doing no damage at all to the moon. One of the missiles actually didn’t even detonate, instead being knocked into Earth’s gravitational pull, where it now orbits the planet menacingly. So that’s fun to think about.”

While last week’s attack on the moon was certainly unprecedented, US Secretary of War Pete Hegseth confirmed in a press conference Monday that Americans can expect more extra-orbital operations in the coming weeks.

“We’re nowhere near done.” proclaimed Secretary Hegseth, “We will continue to take increasingly intense military action for as long as we have reasonable speculation that NASA may be building a Moonbase/Nuclear Facility/Communist Propaganda Distribution Center/Health Clinic for Impoverished Families. The truth is we have no idea what NASA is doing up there. Until we do, we intend to deal with this issue the same way America has always dealt with that which we do not understand: By bombing the everloving hell out of it until it goes away.”

At press time, the US and NASA are 48 hours into a delicate ceasefire, which the US has already violated with six additional airstrikes.