WASHINGTON — The United States of America remains reportedly resolute in acting as if Republican Senator Mitch McConnell is still alive despite mounting evidence to the contrary, sources you can definitely trust report. “Senator McConnell is more alive than anyone has ever been.” White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt assured reporters Friday evening. “Just this morning, I saw him doing cartwheels in front of the Capitol building. The man is fine, great actually. We’ve

THE MOON — United States forces carried out a series of devastating airstrikes targeting the Moon’s South Pole last week in a move that U.S. Central Command justified as “precautionary and undoubtedly necessary.” “I can assure the American people that last week’s airstrikes on the moon were absolutely essential to ensuring the continued safety of our great nation.” explained CENTCOM spokesman Darrel Healey. “After NASA’s recent announcement regarding plans to construct a so-c