Nation Still Pretending Mitch McConnell Alive

WASHINGTON — The United States of America remains reportedly resolute in acting as if Republican Senator Mitch McConnell is still alive despite mounting evidence to the contrary, sources you can definitely trust report.

“Senator McConnell is more alive than anyone has ever been.” White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt assured reporters Friday evening. “Just this morning, I saw him doing cartwheels in front of the Capitol building. The man is fine, great actually. We’ve heard a lot of nasty rumours this past week, people saying that Senator McConnell has ‘passed away’ or that he’s ‘been right on death’s door for a while now’ or even that he ‘was way too old and senile to be in Congress anyway.’ We want to assure the American people, without a single shred of doubt, that Senator McConnell is lively, well, and benching close to 650.”

Despite the White House’s assurances, doubts still linger in the minds of many Americans, including geriatric care nurse and woke fact-denier Marie Plaisse.

“The guy is obviously dead, I mean come on.” asserted Marie, 41. “The guy has been falling like every 3 days for the last month. It’s really a miracle he made it this long, but the American people have been watching Senator McConnell’s body shut down in real time, and I think he finally couldn’t hold on anymore. Pretending that he’s still alive just to hold on to some morsel of power is absurd, let the damn man die! How long do they really plan to keep this up anyway?”

The answer, it would seem, is quite some time, as the U.S. government has shown no intent to acknowledge Mitch McConnell’s death, which definitely hasn’t happened, and probably won’t for a long, long time.

At press time, Senator McConnell is very awake, and has just had a spirited 20-minute conversation with fellow very-alive Senator Lindsey Graham.