WASHINGTON, D.C.— Recent decisions from the executive branch have led to an increase in judicial involvement. Whether it’s setting up a slush fund for insurrectionists or spending possible billions of tax payer dollars on a ballroom, our President's agenda keeps getting snagged on the pesky notion of legality. But that is soon to be a problem of the past, as of June 10th the Senate has confirmed 276 Federal Judges all nominated by Trump. In a show of loyalty one such judge la

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, N.Y. — President Trump was severely injured following a mishap during the half time show of game three of the NBA finals. The 79 year-old was attempting to dunk a basketball alongside the famous New York Knicks City Dancers, when all hell broke loose. Actor and reporter for the Associated Jest, Timothée Chalamet was seated front row and recounted the evening's events. “It was nuts man. We go into halftime and the Knicks are up. Then the arena gets dark

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Department of Homeland Security shocked the nation last week, as Secretary Markwayne Mullin announced plans to halt all international flights to US cities containing bike lanes in a press conference Thursday morning. “I can’t stand those fucking things,” an agitated Mullin told reporters. “So pretentious, a whole section of the road reserved for some asshole in booty-shorts. Well, frankly that is not the kind of image these great United States want to po

JORDAN, Mont. — Local Proud Boy and Capitol insurrectionist Kevin Lawrence may finally have the means to become the Aggravated Arsonist he’s always dreamed of being, thanks to the Justice Department’s creation of a $1.776 billion dollar “Anti-Weaponization Fund”, sources dangerously close to kerosene report. “I just can’t believe it’s finally happening,” a teary-eyed Lawrence told reporters Monday night. “It feels like a dream come true, it really does. I had a feeling I was

NEW YORK — Former New York City Mayor entered a bed-bound frenzy last night after failing to deduce which nurse in his hospital room is secretly Borat, intubated sources confirm. “Don’t think you can just pull a fast one over on me, I’m America’s mayor!” shouted a manic Giuliani in between doses of Ativan. “I know a setup when I see one. I knew it in that damn hotel room, and I know it now! Any minute now, when I’m at my most vulnerable, some sicko wearing lingerie is going t

This year, I had the unfortunate privilege of securing a press pass to the 2026 White House Easter Egg Roll. I had never possessed any intention of actually attending the event, but mushroom chocolates have a way of taking you to unexpected places. While the celebration was overall very entertaining, the evening presented one challenge that I could’ve done without. I was, in a word, deeply disturbed by the official White House Easter Bunny’s incessant requests to see my paper

DALLAS, TX — Wait times at airports hit astronomical highs last weekend due to the ongoing shortage of TSA agents willing to work for free. The government was forced to reallocate some resources, as Texas Governor Greg Abott explained to the press. “We said, 'Okay. These lazy fucks won’t work for free. So who do we know that’ll give people invasive pat downs and search their shit, just for the love of the game?' Then it hit me, ICE!!!” But the Immigration and Customs Enforc

SHEPHERDSVILLE, Ky. — Amidst a bundle of grocery store ads, insurance scams, and flyers from internet service providers, one piece of mail in particular, sent from the so-called "Selective Service System", stuck out to local man John Passinissi, sources in denial report. "I mean it can't be real, right?" said Passinissi, pausing intermittently to stare at nothing. "It's gotta be spam... right? It has to be... It-- I get so much mail claiming this, that, or the other, but it's

LOS ANGELES — FBI Director Kash Patel was spotted drinking and carrying on with the cast of F1 after the Academy Awards Ceremony Sunday night. Eyewitness report Patel arrived uninvited and promptly began drinking heavily and antagonizing members of the cast. "Yeah [the cast and crew] were pretty psyched after taking Best Sound." said F1 Key Grip Joel Argyle. "So we went to this local dive to celebrate. We're having some drinks, moping together. Then, one of the guys at the

WASHINGTON — Former DHS Secretary Kristi Noem has been handpicked to lead a local kill shelter close to the Capitol, President Trump announced in a press conference Saturday. The move comes after President Trump's removal of Kristi Noem from her post as head of Homeland Security last week, with President Trump expressing high hopes for her new position. "Frankly, I think Kristi is going to do very well in her new role." said President Trump, "She was doing absolutely spectacu

WASHINGTON -- President Donald Trump made waves last weekend by signing a historic receipt from Chili's Grill & Bar just ahead of President's Day, sources close to the casual dining chain confirmed. "I hope the American people realize how unprecedented this moment is." said Secretary of Tex-Mex Joints Johnathan Schroeder, "No other President in American History has ever housed two Triple Dippers, a Sizzlin' Fajita, and a baker's dozen Margaritas of the Month. And he picked u