Police Horse To Fill in for TSA

DALLAS, TX — Wait times at airports hit astronomical highs last weekend due to the ongoing shortage of TSA agents willing to work for free. The government was forced to reallocate some resources, as Texas Governor Greg Abott explained to the press. 

“We said, 'Okay. These lazy fucks won’t work for free. So who do we know that’ll give people invasive pat downs and search their shit, just for the love of the game?' Then it hit me, ICE!!!” 

But the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents quickly proved unable to do the task. Less than twenty-four hours into their deployment, one ICE agent was found dead after riding the X-ray Conveyer 32 times. Governer Abott knew there had to be someone else for the job. 

“We said, 'Okay. These stupid fucks don’t have the mental capacity to search a purse for bombs. Who does? Then it hit me: a branch of the police with ten times the training and mental capacity of any ice agent there’s ever been. POLICE HORSES!”

Usually reserved for parades and other crowd control assignments where larger vehicles would be ineffective, Police Horses have until now been an underutilized sector of the force. Now in a stroke of genius from Governor Abott, these equine heroes are keeping our skies safe. Mark Flagstien, the only actual TSA agent, remaining at the Dallas airport, had his doubts about the horses at first.

“The lack of fingers did have me concerned. I’m not gonna lie. But then once they started working, I realized it was a perfect fit! See these horses spook easy. It’s one thing to fool some fancy-schmancy scanner. But we’ve found anyone trying to sneak something past an 800-pound farm animal gets weak in the knees pretty quick. Plus, they shit on the floor way less than the ICE agents.” 

At press time, nearly every human employee at the Dallas Fort Worth International Airport is on track to be replaced by some form of highly trained police animal. Butterscotch Maple has been elected head of the newly formed Police Horse Security Association and is currently negotiating a raise in hay allotments from every major airline.