Cruisegoer Avoids Hantavirus, Contracts Gonorrhea

OMAHA, NE — The MV Hondius is finally making its way back home to the Netherlands after a Hantavirus outbreak within the vessel resulted in multiple casualties. Sixteen of the eighteen passengers transferred to the U.S. arrived in Omaha and were quickly shuttled to the University of Nebraska Medical Center (UNMC). Of those sixteen within the facility only one patient has currently tested positive for Hantavirus. However after further medical testing, nearly all of the passengers present tested positive for Gonorrhea. Interim Chancellor Dr. Dele Davies gave this statement to press, a comfortable distance outside the facility. 

“We’re no strangers to the cruising lifestyle here at UNMC, my wife and I have dipped our toes into that disease infested water. As a medical professional I can fully endorse sex with multiple partners on land. However the closed ecosystem of the cruise ship, combined with questionable buffet foods, and copious amounts of alcohol, can oftentimes be too much for the average immune system to bear.” 

Hantavirus infections are rare, and are typically contracted through contact with rodent saliva, urine, or feces. Medical experts are still trying to work out exactly how this infection was spread throughout the vessel. Medical Detective Greg Hudson has been charged with the investigation and has what he believes to be several promising leads. 

“The whole boat was chock full of freaks,” said Hudson. “They should’ve called it the HPV Hondius, the way these people were going at it. The official purpose of the cruise was a “Polar Expedition". But it’s pretty clear these people were out here doing another kind of exploring entirely…the butt kind if that wasn’t clear.” 

The most promising of Hudson's leads is Thomas Polk, a 48 year-old Accountant from Louisiana. Polk was caught by ship staff attempting to discreetly dispose of several small rodents into the Atlantic. Polk assured authorities that his actions while amoral were perfectly legal. 

“Listen, I’ve been on this scene for a while. It’s never the veterans you need to worry about. It’s the tourists that come out here without tests or shots. I had every one of my gerbils tested before we embarked. How could I, in good conscience, send a rodent into a man's ass, without being fully sure both parties were healthy beforehand.” 

At press time, Detective Hudson is unconvinced of Polk's story, but still pursuing other leads. Including the possibility of a “Ratatouille situation” within the ship's kitchens. Medical professionals within UNMC are confident that a major outbreak of Hantavirus is extremely unlikely. However staff will be holding the Cruisegoers in quarantine for a few more weeks, due to their truly impressive list of other infections.