Depressed Man in Trampoline Park Surrenders to Foam Pit

EVANSTON, IL — Dozens of children were left traumatized after an incident at a Sky Zone trampoline park this Wednesday. Eyewitnesses confirmed that after buying a wristband and donning his orange socks, 28 year-old Brandon Chastane jumped headfirst into the foam pit. After several minutes without surfacing, Sky Zone employee Jeremy Renolyds performed an emergency rescue. Later giving this statement to press. 

“You could tell something was off the second he walked in. We work in a trampoline park, it’s not uncommon that we get a few lone adults coming in here during the week. Most of them just deck kids playing dodgeball and hurt themselves attempting sick flips. But this guy was by far the saddest man I’ve ever seen on a trampoline.”  

Authorities later discovered Brandon had just been fired from his job and dumped by his girlfriend of over five years. The blow of these events proved too much for him to bear and he had entered this Sky Zone ready to end it all. 

“We’ve had this problem a few times before,” said manager Stacy Fiero. “Life is tough sometimes, people going through something often forget that everything is temporary. I understand it, when you’re in the middle of the storm it’s hard to remember the feel of the sun on your skin. I feel it is part of my job as General Manager of Sky Zone # 453-221, to help anyone who comes to bounce during a crisis.” 

After several hours in the depths of the foam, Brandon was removed from the pit by employee's and given to first responders. Upon his removal Brandon’s demeanor had changed, and he gave this statement law enforcement. 

“I came to this foam pit to die. Instead I have lived a thousand lifetimes. Down there, overwhelmed by the scent of sweat and foam, I came to a profound realization. The blood in my veins is the very same matter burning in the heart of every star scattered across the night sky. This planet is the only place in existence where the universe has grown to experience itself. Whether I have purpose or meaning is of little consequence. My very existence is a miracle the same as every other life on this planet. I need only treasure every moment for what it is worth, and I will be fulfilling my role in the universe.” 

Brandon was immediately rushed to an inpatient mental health facility. 

At press time, Brandon is undergoing a comprehensive decontamination process to kill off anything he may have picked up during his time in the pit. After doctors confirm he has nothing contagious, Brandon will be immediately placed under a 48 hour psych hold. Professionals believe this to be an isolated incident for Brandon, and expect him to make a full recovery. If you or a loved one find yourself burdened with feelings you’re unable to bounce away in your three hour time slot. Remember you are not alone, you are loved, and you are important.