Politics

CHICAGO — McDonald's has partnered with US Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. for the brand-new limited-time "RFK Jr. Measles & McNuggets Meal," a spokesperson for the company reports. "Honestly, we're just trying shit with these crossover meals." said McDonald's VP of Marketing Michelle Peters. "I mean we never in a million years thought [Secretary Kennedy] would actually agree to it. Like, what? But we were having some drinks, just pitching anythin

SHEPHERDSVILLE, Ky. — Amidst a bundle of grocery store ads, insurance scams, and flyers from internet service providers, one piece of mail in particular, sent from the so-called "Selective Service System", stuck out to local man John Passinissi, sources in denial report. "I mean it can't be real, right?" said Passinissi, pausing intermittently to stare at nothing. "It's gotta be spam... right? It has to be... It-- I get so much mail claiming this, that, or the other, but it's

LOS ANGELES — FBI Director Kash Patel was spotted drinking and carrying on with the cast of F1 after the Academy Awards Ceremony Sunday night. Eyewitness report Patel arrived uninvited and promptly began drinking heavily and antagonizing members of the cast. "Yeah [the cast and crew] were pretty psyched after taking Best Sound." said F1 Key Grip Joel Argyle. "So we went to this local dive to celebrate. We're having some drinks, moping together. Then, one of the guys at the