U.S. Calls Mom for Help With National Debt

WASHINGTON D.C. — The national debt hit 40 trillion over the weekend, equaling roughly $177,000 for every person living here. Facing an amount of debt near imaginary, government officials were left with only a single option. Hitting up mom for some cash. 

“We know 250 is a little old to be doing this. But we’re in a bit of a transition period right now and we just need a little something to help us stay afloat while we figure stuff out.” U.S. Officials asked mom. But unfortunately this time Mom wasn’t having it. 

“Now sweetie,” Mom said. “You know I love you very much. I had no problem funding generational wars in the middle east after 9/11. But this time, I’m afraid I’m putting my foot down. You’re a big country now, 250 years old, and countries your age need to learn responsibility. So I’m sorry honey, but this time you’ll just have to figure something out on your own. I’m sure you’ll thank me one day if the planet hasn’t been nuked.” 

Panicked U.S. Officials have attempted a number of ways to raise some cash including, posting a link to a Go-Fund Me on their instagram story, searching the couch cousins, and convincing J.D. Vance to start an Only Fans. But sadly all efforts so far have been in vain, as officials don’t have enough to even cover the interest. 

“It really sucks that our birthday was last month,” said U.S. Officials. “Because we could really use another check from Grandma. We already blew the last one on a new controller for the PS5, but hey, what’s 40 trillion dollars in debt compared to the sick ass dubs we’re putting up every night.” 

Faced with an amount of debt larger than our GDP, Officials have started asking other countries if they’d be open to some forms of compensation that are not financial. Like, mowing their lawn, walking their dog, doing our homework without being asked. Just little things to show that even though we can’t contribute financially, we still care about the well being of the household. But the other countries also said no. U.S. Officials responded saying,

“The United Kingdom has to have been talking with Mom. Cus the second we brought up trying to work the national debt out in trade, they started giving us the same spiel about responsibility and all that bullshit. If everyone would just get off our fucking case and let us find ourselves than maybe we’d be able to work something out. Fuck…” 

At press time, Officials are yet to establish a real plan to tackle the national debt as it continues to grow. If something is done to address the debt soon, U.S. Officials worry the entire country may have to start driving for Uber.