WEST LINN, Ore. — What could have been an extremely awkward encounter turned out to be a unique bonding opportunity for the family of local man Gil Montgomery, who finally admitted to having a secret second family... that also loves playing miniature wargame Warhammer 40K. "Yeah, you know, I was pretty shocked when we found out Dad was hiding a second family from us for our entire lives," said daughter Chloe Montgomery, 14. "At first I was pissed but then I saw the Imperium f

LOS ANGELES — FBI Director Kash Patel was spotted drinking and carrying on with the cast of F1 after the Academy Awards Ceremony Sunday night. Eyewitness report Patel arrived uninvited and promptly began drinking heavily and antagonizing members of the cast. "Yeah [the cast and crew] were pretty psyched after taking Best Sound." said F1 Key Grip Joel Argyle. "So we went to this local dive to celebrate. We're having some drinks, moping together. Then, one of the guys at the

LOS ANGELES — After receiving the Oscar for Best Picture, Sinners star Michael B. Jordan thought it was finally time to bury the stake and shake hands with famous Irish Vampire Conan O’Brien. Jordan expressed his reservations on the red carpet outside the event. “It made us a little nervous when they made the announcement. Like we made this whole movie about fighting and killing Irish Vampires, then who do we see announced as the host of the Oscars this year? Conan! That’d b

WEST DOREST, ENGLAND — The Mapperton House home to the famous Earl and Duchess of Sandwich was in uproar last Tuesday. Upon checking one of the home's many safes, 12th Earl of Sandwich Luke Montagu found that the infamous BLT Sandwich recipe had been stolen. The Earl lamented to Press along the outer crust of the estate.  “WE’RE RUINED! That recipe was the only thing keeping this family afloat. A lot of people think “Oh your family invented the sandwich you guys must be loade

LOS ANGELES — Documentary fans and scorned people everywhere are talking about the release of Netflix's upcoming documentary Fucked Up: Finding Out Why You Just Said That. Despite the documentary still not being slated for release until later this year, it already promises to be one of the most controversial pieces of its kind, as told by Netflix Chief Content Officer Bela Bajaria. "We just knew that this story needed to be told." said Bajaria. "Because, frankly, what you jus

Anaheim, CA — Famous Entertainment Mogul and Restauranteur Charles Entertainment Cheese was spotted by the press slipping out the backdoor of the known residence of Ms. Minnie Mouse late last Friday.  “I’ve seen that rat sneaking in and out of the place for months now!” Said local cafe owner Daisy Duck. “I come in around 4 every morning to start baking and the past couple of times I’ve seen him slipping out the back window around that same time. I always knew Mickey wasn’t pa

PARIS — After his appearance at the César Awards in Paris stirred up plenty of online controversy, Jim Carrey sat down with the Associated Jest to clear the air concerning his new look. After Carrey showed up to the French film awards with a clean-shaven, sleek new look, fans quickly took to social media to voice their opinions, with some even going so far as to suggest that Carrey may have been cloned or replaced with a look-a-like. "Yeah, I might've had a little work done,"

ANDERSONVILLE  — Last Sunday at Chicago Paint and Spirits, Linda Holden and her group of girlfriends attended a Paint and Sip event. The squad, who refer to themselves as Josie and the Pussygyatts, had attended many events at this establishment without incident. But this time they had apparently taken one sip too many. Owner of the business Ms. Martha Foss detailed the events of the evening to reporters. “We’ve been seeing the Pussygyatts come in monthly for almost a year now

2.5 Stars. Why are they dancing? The Pats are losing.

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Philadelphia's beloved baseball mascot has made no secret of his battle with long term illness over the years. Decades of chronic substance abuse combined with generational inbreeding have taken a heavy toll on the physical and mental health of the Phanatic. After the Phanatic was admitted to the emergency room late on Sunday, the Phillies received a letter of intent from the University of Pennsylvania stating “Dibs” on the oversized muppet's carcass. Presi

BOWLING ALLEY ARCADE  — Fans of Big Buck Hunter were excited to hear the announcement of the newest addition to the franchise. Founder of Play Mechanix George Petro attended the launch held at Waveland Bowl last Friday to deliver the announcement in person that, “The New Big Buck Hunter Mandates You Use Every Part of the Animal”.  “That’s right, I know you thought we couldn’t top our last game Ultimate Trophy, and you’d be right. That was one hell of a game." said Petro, "But

SCHAUMBURG IL — “Yeah this whole section is going to have to be redone,” Said Foreman Mike Limbazo, shaking his head at pop star Sabrina Carpenter. After several grueling months on tour, Sabrina Carpenter told press she looked forward to devoting more time to her namesake and true passion, carpentry. But after landing a framing job with a local company Ms. Carpenter quickly received some stark criticism. “You forgot a header over this window opening, so there’s no world wher

DENVER — On Friday 25 year old Martha Pullman got into a heated argument with her boyfriend, 23 year old Max Denton. The conflict came about during their weekly movie night after Max had picked one of his favorite films. When the movie was over Max was flabbergasted and explained to Martha that the movie was way less sexist when he’s by himself. Something strange had happened.  “I have no idea what happened! I’m no physicist but best as I can figure it was some kind of Schrod

TOBY’S TOY’S, CHICAGO — Like many toy stores, Toby’s is a place for joy. A place where dreams come true and excited kids get to take home their favorite toys. But for one such toy this is also a place of existential dread.  “When I was first shipped in I thought I was the same as any other Rubix Cube. But then as we were all getting put on the shelf, I found out something different was in store for me. Toby himself takes me out of my box and puts me back on the shelf naked as