EVANSTON, IL — For most graduating students a commencement speech is a long and rambling lecture from a faculty member or stranger. Something to be tuned out and suffered through. However, this year's graduating class from Northwestern got a rare treat. A speech from none other than Carrie Bradshaw herself. Sarah Jessica Parker encouraged grads to stay true to themselves, embrace curiosity, and dream “Big”. She then elaborated at length on the subject saying, “Dream Big kids

EMERYVILLE, Calif. — Audiences worldwide were left horrified after the theatrical premiere of Toy Story 5 Thursday night. According to eyewitnesses, the long-awaited fifth installment of Pixar’s flagship franchise includes several ‘bizarre’ and ‘unexpected’ scenes, including one 3-minute segment that shows viewers the exact moment Bonnie first saw the video of Charlie Kirk’s assassination. “What are some of those core ‘canon moments’ that everyone with a mobile device can rel

CHICAGO — The eighth season of HBO Max’s Euphoria premiered last month and, for some odd reason, people are still talking about Euphoria. Now personally, I’m no stranger to the world of television. My peers know this. So they keep asking me what I think of Euphoria and how I’m liking the new season of Euphoria. It’s all been very exhausting, not because the last thing I want to do with my time is dedicate 36 hours to catching up on Euphoria. That would be absurd. The issue is

CHICAGO, IL — Teens and stunted adults across Chicago were thrilled when it was announced the Field Museum would be host to the new Pokémon Fossil Museum. This exhibit features a number of Pokémon skeletons displayed alongside real life geological samples. However, days after opening the exhibit, museum curators were surprised to see a small group protesting outside. The organization identifying themselves as People for Designating Intelligent Design During Young Earth or (

A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY - LA Lakers star LeBron James has informed the team that he will be spending his offseason in the Dagobah System to train with long-time mentor Yoda. “Look, man. I’m 42. Last time I went out there was the summer before my first MVP. [I’m] looking forward to getting back with Yoda, getting back in touch with the Force, things of that nature” James commented. “Whatever I can do to extend my playing career, I’m gonna do it. Whether that’s force-lifting an

After opening last weekend to an astonishing $219M at the box office, the Michael movie, which recounts the life and struggle of pop star Michael Jackson, has garnered praise and criticism alike. While some commend the film’s performance and production value, many more seem to be criticizing Michael's complete disregard for the many controversies in which the King of Pop became embroiled throughout his tumultuous life. However, as I trod home after seeing the controversial pi

Gemini Photo Booth Hottie Me, waiting with my friends for the Gemini Photo Booth. You, flashed the camera with your friend, left before it printed. AI Remix left your face unrecognizable. But your body spoke for itself. White Claw Witch You were espousing the wonders of wicca with your friends at the White Claw booth. You looked to be mid-50’s, 120lbs, all skin. You were talking me through a recipe for a protection spell and I just couldn’t look away from your soulful, sun-da

CLEVELAND — The vibes in the office turned abysmal this morning as local Sales Rep Johnathan Webster discovered not a single one of his coworkers talking about WrestleMania. “I just can’t believe what I’m not hearing.” said Webster, unable to stand still. “How is nobody talking about the biggest event of the year? Not one person has asked me what matches I had money on. Nobody even pretended to hit me with an RKO. The only logical explanation is I’m being pranked. Everybody’s

NEW YORK — “Super Mario Galaxy” star Chris Pratt found himself unusually speechless during an appearance on The Today Show last week after being asked just why God created the “Good Egg Galaxy.” “It… It’s an interesting question you pose,” said Pratt, following 4 straight minutes of careful thought. “I guess I would say the ‘why?’ of it all is silly to focus on. The Almighty often does things for reasons we cannot hope to understand. All we can do is trust His plan and someti

WEST LINN, Ore. — What could have been an extremely awkward encounter turned out to be a unique bonding opportunity for the family of local man Gil Montgomery, who finally admitted to having a secret second family... that also loves playing miniature wargame Warhammer 40K. "Yeah, you know, I was pretty shocked when we found out Dad was hiding a second family from us for our entire lives," said daughter Chloe Montgomery, 14. "At first I was pissed but then I saw the Imperium f

LOS ANGELES — FBI Director Kash Patel was spotted drinking and carrying on with the cast of F1 after the Academy Awards Ceremony Sunday night. Eyewitness report Patel arrived uninvited and promptly began drinking heavily and antagonizing members of the cast. "Yeah [the cast and crew] were pretty psyched after taking Best Sound." said F1 Key Grip Joel Argyle. "So we went to this local dive to celebrate. We're having some drinks, moping together. Then, one of the guys at the

LOS ANGELES — After receiving the Oscar for Best Picture, Sinners star Michael B. Jordan thought it was finally time to bury the stake and shake hands with famous Irish Vampire Conan O’Brien. Jordan expressed his reservations on the red carpet outside the event. “It made us a little nervous when they made the announcement. Like we made this whole movie about fighting and killing Irish Vampires, then who do we see announced as the host of the Oscars this year? Conan! That’d b

WEST DOREST, ENGLAND — The Mapperton House home to the famous Earl and Duchess of Sandwich was in uproar last Tuesday. Upon checking one of the home's many safes, 12th Earl of Sandwich Luke Montagu found that the infamous BLT Sandwich recipe had been stolen. The Earl lamented to Press along the outer crust of the estate. “WE’RE RUINED! That recipe was the only thing keeping this family afloat. A lot of people think “Oh your family invented the sandwich you guys must be loade

LOS ANGELES — Documentary fans and scorned people everywhere are talking about the release of Netflix's upcoming documentary Fucked Up: Finding Out Why You Just Said That. Despite the documentary still not being slated for release until later this year, it already promises to be one of the most controversial pieces of its kind, as told by Netflix Chief Content Officer Bela Bajaria. "We just knew that this story needed to be told." said Bajaria. "Because, frankly, what you jus

Anaheim, CA — Famous Entertainment Mogul and Restauranteur Charles Entertainment Cheese was spotted by the press slipping out the backdoor of the known residence of Ms. Minnie Mouse late last Friday. “I’ve seen that rat sneaking in and out of the place for months now!” Said local cafe owner Daisy Duck. “I come in around 4 every morning to start baking and the past couple of times I’ve seen him slipping out the back window around that same time. I always knew Mickey wasn’t pa

PARIS — After his appearance at the César Awards in Paris stirred up plenty of online controversy, Jim Carrey sat down with the Associated Jest to clear the air concerning his new look. After Carrey showed up to the French film awards with a clean-shaven, sleek new look, fans quickly took to social media to voice their opinions, with some even going so far as to suggest that Carrey may have been cloned or replaced with a look-a-like. "Yeah, I might've had a little work done,"

ANDERSONVILLE — Last Sunday at Chicago Paint and Spirits, Linda Holden and her group of girlfriends attended a Paint and Sip event. The squad, who refer to themselves as Josie and the Pussygyatts, had attended many events at this establishment without incident. But this time they had apparently taken one sip too many. Owner of the business Ms. Martha Foss detailed the events of the evening to reporters. “We’ve been seeing the Pussygyatts come in monthly for almost a year now

2.5 Stars. Why are they dancing? The Pats are losing.

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Philadelphia's beloved baseball mascot has made no secret of his battle with long term illness over the years. Decades of chronic substance abuse combined with generational inbreeding have taken a heavy toll on the physical and mental health of the Phanatic. After the Phanatic was admitted to the emergency room late on Sunday, the Phillies received a letter of intent from the University of Pennsylvania stating “Dibs” on the oversized muppet's carcass. Presi

BOWLING ALLEY ARCADE — Fans of Big Buck Hunter were excited to hear the announcement of the newest addition to the franchise. Founder of Play Mechanix George Petro attended the launch held at Waveland Bowl last Friday to deliver the announcement in person that, “The New Big Buck Hunter Mandates You Use Every Part of the Animal”. “That’s right, I know you thought we couldn’t top our last game Ultimate Trophy, and you’d be right. That was one hell of a game." said Petro, "But