Love Island Natives Begin Slow Process of Rebuilding

LOVE ISLAND — Season 8 of Love Island recently came to an end, with Bryce and Trinity winning the $100,000 grand prize. As the contestants and camera crews pack up and leave, the natives of Love Island have once again been left to pick up the pieces. But how did this once beautiful island come to be terrorized year after year by a reality dating franchise. Love Island Anthropologist and lifelong native Devo Adora gave us an in-depth look into the island's tumultuous past. 

“Love Island was settled around 1,500 - 1,000 B.C, by the Lapita Culture along with the rest of the islands in the region. But before long the Dutch found it and eventually the British. The British observed the natural beauty of the island and quickly discovered some of the island's more mystic qualities.” 

In addition to its white sand beaches and beautiful natural villas, early colonists quickly found out that the island had some mysterious additional properties that could not be explained. Namely that any couple placed on the island together would be doomed to break up within weeks. 

“Of course the natives had known this for centuries,” said Adora. “ The natives of the island had observed and cataloged the island's natural anti-monogamous field. Their solution was to basically form a community wide polycule. However the arrival of the British came with the end of true love on love island. And now any couple that was observed in non hetero-monogamous behavior was shot on site.” 

The British would maintain control over Love Island until 1945 when Prime Minister Clement Attlee seeded the island to President of the United States Harry S. Truman. Mere days before the first Atomic Bombs were dropped on Hiroshima. Then the island was largely forgotten about. 

“It wasn’t until 1990 when CEO of NBC Bob Wright approached then president George H.W. Bush, looking for prime filming locations in U.S. territories that the island would be brought up again” Said Adora. “From 1945 to 1990 the natives of Love Island had been hard at work undoing the damage the British had done to the island's natural resources. The many ecosystems of Love island were just beginning to recover when Bob Wright arrived on the island's shores claiming the entirety of the island as the exclusive property of NBC.”

Bob Wright however assured native community leaders that the cruelty brought to the island under British colonization would be a thing of the past. With the introduction of American Capitalism to the community everyone was sure to thrive.  

At press time, Love Island is still owned by NBC, who uses the island's most beautiful villas for the reality dating show of the same name. NBC has also found use for some of the island's less luxurious areas for shows like Survivor. The natives of love island have nearly all gotten work in production crews. Community leaders of Love Island have been attempting to form an official union within IATSE; it is unclear when/if a deal will be reached. The United States and NBC continues to drop Bombshell after Bombshell on Love Island with little to no remorse.