BOONE, N.C. — Appalachian State University Commencement Announcer Rachel Decatur made waves during last weekend’s College of Arts and Sciences Commencement Ceremony. According to eyewitnesses, Decatur stumbled courageously and gracelessly through the names of every white student in attendance. “What can I say? I’m all about equality”, said Decatur, 43. “Every year, so many students of color are forced to face that embarrassing moment when some hick professor makes an absolute

HONG KONG — Local child and full-time iPhone manufacturer Mei Song apologized deeply to Apple customers last week, stating she was “immeasurably sorry” that the iPhone 17 is not quite as fast as users hoped, overworked sources report. “My heart goes out to every valued customer who was affected by these performance issues,” said Song, 9. “Quality Control is integral to our operations here at the shop, but sometimes, even we make mistakes. We love the work we do, but we work l

AMAZON WAREHOUSE (DFX5) — Workers at Illinois Amazon Warehouse (DFX5) were shocked last payday to find Amazon was no longer offering compensation in the form of the U.S. Dollar. Instead offering employees compensation in the form of Scrip or Company Money, that they are able to redeem exclusively through Amazon Prime. An anonymous Packer from within the facility gave this statement to press. “How am I supposed to pay my rent in Amazon gift cards? I tried to sell my landlord

EVANSTON, IL — Dozens of children were left traumatized after an incident at a Sky Zone trampoline park this Wednesday. Eyewitnesses confirmed that after buying a wristband and donning his orange socks, 28 year-old Brandon Chastane jumped headfirst into the foam pit. After several minutes without surfacing, Sky Zone employee Jeremy Renolyds performed an emergency rescue. Later giving this statement to press. “You could tell something was off the second he walked in. We work

SOMEWHERE IN NEW ENGLAND – ¡La familia no podía creerlo! “The same day!”, gritó el joven de la familia, Micheal Taylor, cuando leyó el calendario en preparación para la siguiente semana. Inmediatamente le contó a la familia entera, se reporta diciendo. Elizabeth Windell, su mamá; Tyler Taylor, su papá; y, Robert Taylor, su hermano; todos pararon lo que estaban haciendo y se juntaron en la sala. La última vez que estuvieron juntos así fue antes de él divorcio, nos contó el abo

Dayton, OH — 26 year-old Douglas Nash has been living at home, while he plans out his next few career moves. After repeated altercations between Nash and his parents over the cleanliness of his living space, Nash was ready to pack it up and live in his car. But then a miracle took place, as Nash later told press. “I had absolutely had it with my folks. They were non-stop on my case saying, clean this, pick up that. I was ready to pack it up and head for Disney’s Celebration

TRENTON, NJ — Last month, the Trenton PD’s brand-new K-9 unit hit the streets, marking the first deployment of police dogs in the city’s history. The dogs have been assisting the local police force in routine duties across the city. The dogs, as they report, have been “extremely proud” to join the fight to uphold the Thin Grey Line between order and chaos. “We're ecstatic to finally be joining the Boys in Grey here in Trenton.” said officer Rex, a loose-cannon English Greyho

DAVE & BUSTERS — 28-year-old Harold Foster prides himself on being the perfect boyfriend. He goes out of his way whenever he can to let his girlfriend (29-year-old Margret Robin) know just how special she is to him. But as Margret found out Friday, while the couple was spending an evening at Dave & Busters. There are some tropes that even Harold can’t live up to. Harold Elaborated to press who were waiting patiently in line for Jurassic Park Arcade. “THE CLAW HAS GOT TO BE R

ATHENS, Ga. — Tragedy struck a local Zaxby’s last week when part-time fry cook James DuPage, 17, tragically passed away just moments before he could accept a coworker’s closing shift, panicked sources report. “Wait, does this mean I have to go in tomorrow?” asked DuPage’s distressed coworker Colin Montgomery. “Shit, I was gonna go see Hayley Williams with my girlfriend; she’s gonna be so pissed. Are we sure he didn’t accept the request? Has anybody checked? I mean rest in pea

SPRINGFIELD, MO — Established April 22nd 1970, Earth Day continues to be a day of celebration in the name of the place we call home. For years celebrations included Trash Pickups, Community Awareness Events, and other efforts made to benefit our environment. One local teen has taken this message to heart; and out of respect for the environment, elected to vape outside. Needless to say his community was very proud as his parents will tell you. “We’re really happy to see our so

YOUR HOME — The Northern Hemisphere has been in spring for nearly a month now. While weather conditions vary wildly depending on your location across the country. Spring is guaranteed to bring at least one constant for everyone, Flies. Whether it’s a whole swarm or a single insect, they will find their way into your home. Which any bug will tell you is no easy feat. “My Great Great Great Great Grandfather told stories about this place, it’s amazing to finally see it with my

LAKE MICHIGAN — Wisconsin Fisherman Jake Bluegill has run his small commercial fishing business for nearly two decades. However, after losing his fourth vessel on Monday to local children playing mermaids, Jake is on the brink of financial ruin. Jake detailed the situation after being rescued by the coast guard. “I’ve got nothing against kids going outside and playing games. Heck, you don't see it enough these days. But this has become something else altogether. The game the

SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — Local woman Annie LaSalle was shocked during a routine psychiatry appointment last week when her psychiatrist of three years, Dr. Leslie Eckert, prescribed LaSalle no less than three hours of scrolling, to be undertaken twice per day. “I mean, it sounded odd at first, but I guess she’s the doctor,” said LaSalle, who has struggled with General Anxiety Disorder since she was a teen. “If she thinks that firing up Instagram and burning through maybe 300, 400 re

HARRIS COUNTY, Tx. — Following months of searching for a job that might actually pay a living wage, local woman Tracy Paulson is now entering the third hour of her application for a local Target, desperate sources confirm. “It started out simple enough,” said Paulson, 23. “Resumé, cover letter, the usual rigamarole. But then, things took a turn. They started asking me to type out my experience, my education, my contact info; you know, things you could easily find on the resum

WALGREENS — Patty Dresgo was devastated this last Monday when, after going to her local corner store, she found they no longer carried her favorite Cruelty-Full Blood Red Lipstick. Enraged, she detailed the full situation to the cashier. “Every year I get one day where I can feel like a goddamn princess, My Birthday! Nothing screams sexy princess like lipstick the same color as the blood of the innocent. I need this lipstick. I don’t know what the extra cruelty does for the c

GARY, IN — 27 Year Old Joseph Clyburn is a busy guy. When he’s not working his menial job at a local ad agency, he’s spending time with his girlfriend, 30 Year Old Marrisa Gardner. So it’s no surprise that for Joseph, home cooked meals are few and far between. But Joseph was especially surprised this last Tuesday when, after looking in the fridge for the first time all month, he noticed that it had become more mold than produce. Joseph gave this statement while Biohazard crew

CAIRO, Egypt — The Judeo-Christian God revealed a first-look teaser for his upcoming divine plague/epic prank during a press conference ahead of April Fool's Day. "It's going to be incredible ," The Almighty told local reporters. "As devout followers will know, every year I play a huge prank on the Pharoah, and this year I think I've finally found it. My magnum opus. It's simple: I am going to kill every first-born child and animal in every home." Humans were understandably r

DEARBORN, Mich. — In response to growing safety concerns surrounding their oversized pickup trucks, Ford Motor Company unveiled a new safety feature last week that promises to rid drivers of any petty worries surrounding pedestrians on the road, a spokesperson for the company reports. "We here at Ford are constantly looking for ways to make the roads a safer, more carefree space for drivers and drivers alone," said Ford's Director of Consumer Safety Maddigan Criss. "And we ha

CLEVELAND, OH — 33-year-old Helen Postly was admitted to the maternity ward at Jefferson Community Hospital late last Monday. Her husband, Kevin Postly couldn’t have been more thrilled. But not for reasons you might expect, as Kevin explained to press in between his wife’s contractions. “This is going to be a huge turning point in my professional career. I’m a juggler by trade. While the birth of my first two children was of course life changing, I’m going to be able to do wa

WEST LINN, Ore. — What could have been an extremely awkward encounter turned out to be a unique bonding opportunity for the family of local man Gil Montgomery, who finally admitted to having a secret second family... that also loves playing miniature wargame Warhammer 40K. "Yeah, you know, I was pretty shocked when we found out Dad was hiding a second family from us for our entire lives," said daughter Chloe Montgomery, 14. "At first I was pissed but then I saw the Imperium f