AUSTIN - As the same day repeats on end, 56 year old Clyde Porchus says he sees no reason to abandon his pattern of selfish, destructive behavior. “I know every day when I wake up, it’s gonna be the same shit. If everybody else is gonna do the same thing, why shouldn’t I?” Porchus asked. “Matter of fact, why not take it up a notch? If I do something bad, these people aren’t gonna remember it tomorrow anyhow.” Since discovering the nature of his situation, Porchus has publicly

CHICAGO— Drivers in the city of Chicago should be on high alert, as the city’s Department of Water Management has reportedly installed a fire hydrant right where you parked. “The decision to install a fire hydrant right where you parked was not an impulsive one, I can assure you.” explained Chicago Department of Water Management Commissioner Randy Conner. “It took months of careful planning, scouting, and surveying to select and confirm that spot for installation of a fire

BOCA CHICA, Texas — Tragedy struck the Northbound 52 bus last week as weird tech mogul and world’s first trillionaire Elon Musk lost his entire fortune while commuting to his Boca Chica home, frantic sources report. “I just had it! You’ve got to be kidding me.” exclaimed a distraught Musk Friday afternoon. “Someone on this bus has it, I know they do. Valet! Stop the bus this instant. One of these wretched ‘poors’ has my trillion, and I intend to reclaim every penny. Valet! Wh

CHICAGO, IL — 28-year-old Marsha Brown knows that everyone is struggling right now. But when the usual nagging for rent from her landlord turned to panicked pleading, she knew something was up. Marsha discovered that her landlord, 59-year-old Frank Hubbard, was also renting. Downstairs sources confirmed. “When I first got the place I was super excited,” Said Brown. “But then the usual “Hey, just a reminder rent is due on Tuesday.” Turned into “MOOOONNNNNNEEEYYYYYYY NOOOOWWWW

EVANSTON, IL — For most graduating students a commencement speech is a long and rambling lecture from a faculty member or stranger. Something to be tuned out and suffered through. However, this year's graduating class from Northwestern got a rare treat. A speech from none other than Carrie Bradshaw herself. Sarah Jessica Parker encouraged grads to stay true to themselves, embrace curiosity, and dream “Big”. She then elaborated at length on the subject saying, “Dream Big kids

NEW YORK — Hurried pedestrians and people-pleasers beware, as an eager canvasser nearby has seemingly marked you, the reader, as his chosen prey, sources eager to speak to you for just a moment report. “I could smell you the second you turned the corner, I’m locked on now.” said volunteer canvasser Andrew Kairn. “I see what you’re trying to do, giving a polite but not too friendly nod in my direction before quickly averting your gaze. I’m onto your little game. You think you

CHICAGO — Local urgent care clinic Guardian Immediate Care is reportedly proud to provide desperate Chicagoans, victimized by a predatory healthcare system, with clinical help that can be accurately described as neither “urgent” nor “care”, uninsured sources confirmed. “My college buddies and I started Guardian Immediate Care with one simple mission,” said Guardian Founder and CEO Karl Estes. “That mission was to find Chicagoans throughout the community in dire need of medica

CHICAGO, IL — Teens and stunted adults across Chicago were thrilled when it was announced the Field Museum would be host to the new Pokémon Fossil Museum. This exhibit features a number of Pokémon skeletons displayed alongside real life geological samples. However, days after opening the exhibit, museum curators were surprised to see a small group protesting outside. The organization identifying themselves as People for Designating Intelligent Design During Young Earth or (

COLUMBIA COLLEGE CHICAGO - “Prison has rules, work has rules, government has rules. Poetry only listens to emotion as its ruler. It knows no god, serves no master, obeys no command. Know thy pen, understand the paper, and let the poetry do the rest.” Professor Gianmarco explained to his class of undergraduate English majors. Amidst the flamboyant teaching, Mike Walmak, a freshman, was scribbling away with his head down in his journal. “Mr. Walmak is there something more inter

BOONE, N.C. — Appalachian State University Commencement Announcer Rachel Decatur made waves during last weekend’s College of Arts and Sciences Commencement Ceremony. According to eyewitnesses, Decatur stumbled courageously and gracelessly through the names of every white student in attendance. “What can I say? I’m all about equality”, said Decatur, 43. “Every year, so many students of color are forced to face that embarrassing moment when some hick professor makes an absolute

HONG KONG — Local child and full-time iPhone manufacturer Mei Song apologized deeply to Apple customers last week, stating she was “immeasurably sorry” that the iPhone 17 is not quite as fast as users hoped, overworked sources report. “My heart goes out to every valued customer who was affected by these performance issues,” said Song, 9. “Quality Control is integral to our operations here at the shop, but sometimes, even we make mistakes. We love the work we do, but we work l

AMAZON WAREHOUSE (DFX5) — Workers at Illinois Amazon Warehouse (DFX5) were shocked last payday to find Amazon was no longer offering compensation in the form of the U.S. Dollar. Instead offering employees compensation in the form of Scrip or Company Money, that they are able to redeem exclusively through Amazon Prime. An anonymous Packer from within the facility gave this statement to press. “How am I supposed to pay my rent in Amazon gift cards? I tried to sell my landlord

EVANSTON, IL — Dozens of children were left traumatized after an incident at a Sky Zone trampoline park this Wednesday. Eyewitnesses confirmed that after buying a wristband and donning his orange socks, 28 year-old Brandon Chastane jumped headfirst into the foam pit. After several minutes without surfacing, Sky Zone employee Jeremy Renolyds performed an emergency rescue. Later giving this statement to press. “You could tell something was off the second he walked in. We work

SOMEWHERE IN NEW ENGLAND – ¡La familia no podía creerlo! “The same day!”, gritó el joven de la familia, Micheal Taylor, cuando leyó el calendario en preparación para la siguiente semana. Inmediatamente le contó a la familia entera, se reporta diciendo. Elizabeth Windell, su mamá; Tyler Taylor, su papá; y, Robert Taylor, su hermano; todos pararon lo que estaban haciendo y se juntaron en la sala. La última vez que estuvieron juntos así fue antes de él divorcio, nos contó el abo

Dayton, OH — 26 year-old Douglas Nash has been living at home, while he plans out his next few career moves. After repeated altercations between Nash and his parents over the cleanliness of his living space, Nash was ready to pack it up and live in his car. But then a miracle took place, as Nash later told press. “I had absolutely had it with my folks. They were non-stop on my case saying, clean this, pick up that. I was ready to pack it up and head for Disney’s Celebration

TRENTON, NJ — Last month, the Trenton PD’s brand-new K-9 unit hit the streets, marking the first deployment of police dogs in the city’s history. The dogs have been assisting the local police force in routine duties across the city. The dogs, as they report, have been “extremely proud” to join the fight to uphold the Thin Grey Line between order and chaos. “We're ecstatic to finally be joining the Boys in Grey here in Trenton.” said officer Rex, a loose-cannon English Greyho

DAVE & BUSTERS — 28-year-old Harold Foster prides himself on being the perfect boyfriend. He goes out of his way whenever he can to let his girlfriend (29-year-old Margret Robin) know just how special she is to him. But as Margret found out Friday, while the couple was spending an evening at Dave & Busters. There are some tropes that even Harold can’t live up to. Harold Elaborated to press who were waiting patiently in line for Jurassic Park Arcade. “THE CLAW HAS GOT TO BE R

ATHENS, Ga. — Tragedy struck a local Zaxby’s last week when part-time fry cook James DuPage, 17, tragically passed away just moments before he could accept a coworker’s closing shift, panicked sources report. “Wait, does this mean I have to go in tomorrow?” asked DuPage’s distressed coworker Colin Montgomery. “Shit, I was gonna go see Hayley Williams with my girlfriend; she’s gonna be so pissed. Are we sure he didn’t accept the request? Has anybody checked? I mean rest in pea

SPRINGFIELD, MO — Established April 22nd 1970, Earth Day continues to be a day of celebration in the name of the place we call home. For years celebrations included Trash Pickups, Community Awareness Events, and other efforts made to benefit our environment. One local teen has taken this message to heart; and out of respect for the environment, elected to vape outside. Needless to say his community was very proud as his parents will tell you. “We’re really happy to see our so

YOUR HOME — The Northern Hemisphere has been in spring for nearly a month now. While weather conditions vary wildly depending on your location across the country. Spring is guaranteed to bring at least one constant for everyone, Flies. Whether it’s a whole swarm or a single insect, they will find their way into your home. Which any bug will tell you is no easy feat. “My Great Great Great Great Grandfather told stories about this place, it’s amazing to finally see it with my