For many toddlers, it can be hard to get anything done when a parent is in the house. Instead of spending their time high-fiving walls, toddlers are finding themselves bogged down by the whims of their moms. Says Lysander, age 3: “I just want to take a bunch of mancala beads and arrange them into different patterns on the floor. I want to open and close the silverware drawer to the tune of “When the Saints Go Marching In.” But she keeps trying to get me to eat a bowl of pasta

DETROIT, MI — Local ten month old Frankie Johnson knows he’s pretty a fussy baby. But, like many fussy babies, there’s always been one thing that could turn his cries to giggles. Ms. Rachel has been an online children's entertainer and educator since 2019. Frankie, like many babies, is a big fan. “Life ain’t easy for a baby,” said Frankie. “But when that bright pink ray of sunshine graces my iPad, I just know everything is gonna be ok. I could have a diaper packed full of th

ISSAQUAH, WA — Costco has become known for many things. Wholesale selling of bulk goods, passable Kirkland knockoff products, but nothing quite so infamous as the $1.50 hot dog. Costco CEO Ron Vachris knows how passionate people are about these dawgs. In a press conference held on Monday he said, “Any of our members know, people will damn near fight each other for these dawgs. Well let me tell ya, things are about to get so much worse.” Vachris announced that in response to

JCPENNY PORTRAITS — Known for their affordable photoshoot’s. The JCPenney Photo Studio has become iconic over the years. However, with times changing and retail stores across the country dropping like flies, executives at JCPenney made the choice to diversify. “For years we’ve been known for tasteful and affordable photography, and none of that is going to change.” said Brand CEO Michelle Wlazlo. “Just because we’re willing to take some photos of your butthole doesn’t mean t

CHICAGO — Every year residents of Chicago are awed and annoyed by Military Jet teams and stunt pilots. For some the spectacle is part of a relaxing weekend of watching death defying wastes of Taxpayer dollars. For others it’s an earsplitting nuisance. Regardless of your feelings on the Air and Water show, City officials confirmed, it’s going to be nothing compared to what’s to come. “We’re gonna blow some fucking shit up,” said Mayor of Chicago Brandon Johnson. “I’m talking

THE LABYRINTH — 47 Year Old Mark Gustiano was laid off from his factory job nine months ago. Mark decided to make the best of his situation and devote some of his extra time to a long neglected passion project. Building a Labyrinth. However, as Mark will tell you things quickly got out of hand. “Some people like to read mysteries or do jigsaws. But me, I’m a Labyrinth kinda guy,” said Gustiano. “Something about a structure so dizzyingly complex that no coherent path can be d

LAKE MCCONAUGHY, NEBRASKA — Located just 8 miles northeast of Ogallala Nebraska sits Nebraska’s largest reservoir, Lake McConaughy. A beautiful body of water that has served as a getaway for Mechanic Freddie Dawson, for nearly two decades. It was during his latest trip, sitting lakeside, toes in the water, four beers deep, that Dawson had a revelation. “Man this is it” said Dawson. “There have been times where I leave a 14 shift at work and wonder what it’s all for. Why is t

PLANO, Texas — Local man Travis Carlisle’s dreams of gainful employment were firmly and summarily crushed last week, after Carlisle’s promising interview at Frito-Lay was driven completely off the rails by a table that would not stop wobbling. “It was brutal, it really was.” said Carlisle, recounting the grisly incident. “The damn table started wobbling as soon as I walked in. We tried to ignore it at first, I made some stupid joke and tried to play it off. But as the intervi

MILWAUKEE, WI — It’s the Fourth of July, and the 250th Anniversary of our country. Despite the summer heat waves, many cities are preparing their fireworks displays for this evening. However, with growing trends relating nationalism to right wing extremism, it’s tough to sound patriotic while still making clear you don’t support authoritarians. However Chief Aaron D. Lipski of the Milwaukee Fire Department, has found a creative solution to the problem. “It’s tough these days

AUSTIN - As the same day repeats on end, 56 year old Clyde Porchus says he sees no reason to abandon his pattern of selfish, destructive behavior. “I know every day when I wake up, it’s gonna be the same shit. If everybody else is gonna do the same thing, why shouldn’t I?” Porchus asked. “Matter of fact, why not take it up a notch? If I do something bad, these people aren’t gonna remember it tomorrow anyhow.” Since discovering the nature of his situation, Porchus has publicly

CHICAGO— Drivers in the city of Chicago should be on high alert, as the city’s Department of Water Management has reportedly installed a fire hydrant right where you parked. “The decision to install a fire hydrant right where you parked was not an impulsive one, I can assure you.” explained Chicago Department of Water Management Commissioner Randy Conner. “It took months of careful planning, scouting, and surveying to select and confirm that spot for installation of a fire

BOCA CHICA, Texas — Tragedy struck the Northbound 52 bus last week as weird tech mogul and world’s first trillionaire Elon Musk lost his entire fortune while commuting to his Boca Chica home, frantic sources report. “I just had it! You’ve got to be kidding me.” exclaimed a distraught Musk Friday afternoon. “Someone on this bus has it, I know they do. Valet! Stop the bus this instant. One of these wretched ‘poors’ has my trillion, and I intend to reclaim every penny. Valet! Wh

CHICAGO, IL — 28-year-old Marsha Brown knows that everyone is struggling right now. But when the usual nagging for rent from her landlord turned to panicked pleading, she knew something was up. Marsha discovered that her landlord, 59-year-old Frank Hubbard, was also renting. Downstairs sources confirmed. “When I first got the place I was super excited,” Said Brown. “But then the usual “Hey, just a reminder rent is due on Tuesday.” Turned into “MOOOONNNNNNEEEYYYYYYY NOOOOWWWW

EVANSTON, IL — For most graduating students a commencement speech is a long and rambling lecture from a faculty member or stranger. Something to be tuned out and suffered through. However, this year's graduating class from Northwestern got a rare treat. A speech from none other than Carrie Bradshaw herself. Sarah Jessica Parker encouraged grads to stay true to themselves, embrace curiosity, and dream “Big”. She then elaborated at length on the subject saying, “Dream Big kids

NEW YORK — Hurried pedestrians and people-pleasers beware, as an eager canvasser nearby has seemingly marked you, the reader, as his chosen prey, sources eager to speak to you for just a moment report. “I could smell you the second you turned the corner, I’m locked on now.” said volunteer canvasser Andrew Kairn. “I see what you’re trying to do, giving a polite but not too friendly nod in my direction before quickly averting your gaze. I’m onto your little game. You think you

CHICAGO — Local urgent care clinic Guardian Immediate Care is reportedly proud to provide desperate Chicagoans, victimized by a predatory healthcare system, with clinical help that can be accurately described as neither “urgent” nor “care”, uninsured sources confirmed. “My college buddies and I started Guardian Immediate Care with one simple mission,” said Guardian Founder and CEO Karl Estes. “That mission was to find Chicagoans throughout the community in dire need of medica

CHICAGO, IL — Teens and stunted adults across Chicago were thrilled when it was announced the Field Museum would be host to the new Pokémon Fossil Museum. This exhibit features a number of Pokémon skeletons displayed alongside real life geological samples. However, days after opening the exhibit, museum curators were surprised to see a small group protesting outside. The organization identifying themselves as People for Designating Intelligent Design During Young Earth or (

COLUMBIA COLLEGE CHICAGO - “Prison has rules, work has rules, government has rules. Poetry only listens to emotion as its ruler. It knows no god, serves no master, obeys no command. Know thy pen, understand the paper, and let the poetry do the rest.” Professor Gianmarco explained to his class of undergraduate English majors. Amidst the flamboyant teaching, Mike Walmak, a freshman, was scribbling away with his head down in his journal. “Mr. Walmak is there something more inter

BOONE, N.C. — Appalachian State University Commencement Announcer Rachel Decatur made waves during last weekend’s College of Arts and Sciences Commencement Ceremony. According to eyewitnesses, Decatur stumbled courageously and gracelessly through the names of every white student in attendance. “What can I say? I’m all about equality”, said Decatur, 43. “Every year, so many students of color are forced to face that embarrassing moment when some hick professor makes an absolute

HONG KONG — Local child and full-time iPhone manufacturer Mei Song apologized deeply to Apple customers last week, stating she was “immeasurably sorry” that the iPhone 17 is not quite as fast as users hoped, overworked sources report. “My heart goes out to every valued customer who was affected by these performance issues,” said Song, 9. “Quality Control is integral to our operations here at the shop, but sometimes, even we make mistakes. We love the work we do, but we work l