WEST LINN, Ore. — What could have been an extremely awkward encounter turned out to be a unique bonding opportunity for the family of local man Gil Montgomery, who finally admitted to having a secret second family... that also loves playing miniature wargame Warhammer 40K. "Yeah, you know, I was pretty shocked when we found out Dad was hiding a second family from us for our entire lives," said daughter Chloe Montgomery, 14. "At first I was pissed but then I saw the Imperium f

GLENWOOD TAVERN, CHICAGO — Like many bars within the Chicago area, Glenwood Tavern has become a staple of its neighborhood. The space gained notoriety for their craft cocktails and especially for their pool table. On any given day during the week, if you were to look at the pool table, all challengers would likely be playing a single man. Local Pool Shark Cliff Finley is yet to be defeated within the walls of The Glenwood. But despite his cool and calm demeanor on the table.

SHEPHERDSVILLE, Ky. — Amidst a bundle of grocery store ads, insurance scams, and flyers from internet service providers, one piece of mail in particular, sent from the so-called "Selective Service System", stuck out to local man John Passinissi, sources in denial report. "I mean it can't be real, right?" said Passinissi, pausing intermittently to stare at nothing. "It's gotta be spam... right? It has to be... It-- I get so much mail claiming this, that, or the other, but it's

BOISE, ID  — Last Tuesday in trying to keep up with recent trends online, Robert Falter lost three fingers to an 18th century Power Loom. The trend has been dubbed online as Trad Husbandry and encourages men to seek out more traditionally masculine jobs like Textile Factory Worker, or Non Union Coal Miner. Mr. Falter further detailed the trend while medical professionals attempted to salvage the remains of his hand.  “Well it all started when I started seeing all these “Trad

AURORA, IL — 18-Year-Old Elijah Cedar was thrilled when after a nerve-wracking interview, they were hired part-time, at Jumpstreet Trampoline Park. Now six years later at the age of 24, this same job has become a major detriment to Elijah’s mental health. Like many elder Gen Z, Elijah has struggled finding gainful employment. In order to make ends meet, they’ve had to take on a number of part time jobs that have been less than fulfilling, as they will no doubt tell you.  “Thi

MARSHFIELD, Wis. — Local police officer Donny Lorenz received high praise from colleagues and civilians alike last week, after a heroic roadside rescue. The Marshfield PD Sergeant leapt into action Thursday night to score some sweet grass, glass, and cash from a blazing vehicle on the side of the road, eyewitnesses report. "It was incredible, like something out of an action movie," said local man Phil Pratt. "I could see the smoke from a mile away. I pulled over a couple hund

SALEM, OR — 46-year-old Elise Murphey finally had enough the night of March 2nd. After repeated requests that her boyfriend Isaiah Wiggins, 41, better contribute to maintaining a clean living space, it became clear that words would not be enough. Unsure of what actions would best communicate her dissatisfaction, inspiration would come from the apartment's third inhabitant, 3-year-old Tabby cat named Governor Greg Abbot.  “I came home from a thirteen-hour shift and there, righ

UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO MEDICAL CENTER  — 25 Year Old Spencer Carlisle was admitted to an urgent care late Wednesday night, displaying a wide array of symptoms. After a battery of testing, professionals within the facility were unable to diagnose the root cause of any of Spencer's ailments and he was then airlifted to The University of Chicago Medical Center for intensive care. While at the facility, Spencer was prescribed miscellaneous pills which seemed to do the trick. But a

Anaheim, CA — Famous Entertainment Mogul and Restauranteur Charles Entertainment Cheese was spotted by the press slipping out the backdoor of the known residence of Ms. Minnie Mouse late last Friday.  “I’ve seen that rat sneaking in and out of the place for months now!” Said local cafe owner Daisy Duck. “I come in around 4 every morning to start baking and the past couple of times I’ve seen him slipping out the back window around that same time. I always knew Mickey wasn’t pa

DENVER -- A recent study out of the University of Colorado Denver found that this smoke circle has more heads than blunts, University researchers report. "After analyzing the smoke session for an extended period of time, we noticed something was seriously wrong." said Ron Pratt of CU Denver's Humanities Department. "It would appear that at least one stoner, possibly even multiple, showed up to the sesh, but failed to bring shit to smoke. We believe these individuals arrived w

ARBY’S KITCHEN -- Last night, amidst the final stretch of the midnight drive-thru dinner rush, experienced line cook Jeff proposed the staff engage in a discussion of global conflicts to make the work fly by.  Rookie cashier Luis Fonz chimed into the conversation shouting, “Oh yeah, what’s happening in Sudan right now is crazy dude, glad the RSF is protecting the communities and citizens that really matter, finally some half decent change is happening around there.” He said w

Pigeon Forge, Tenn. -- "Do you hear that? That noise is back." reported local man Nathan Gutierrez Monday night. Despite reporters not being able to hear anything out of the ordinary, Nathan attempted to describe the nuisance. "You don't hear that? It's like a hum," said Gutierrez, 26. "Or maybe like a buzzing? Yeah it's like a buzzing noise, but high-pitched. You guys seriously can't hear that? You've gotta be kidding me. It's so loud. What is that?" Gutierrez further explai

STATEN ISLAND  — Local mother Constance Holeman was stunned last Tuesday after a parent teacher conference at Richmond Middle School. According to teachers, Holeman's eleven-year-old son Aran was deemed functionally Illiterate.  “I was thrilled!” Said Holeman, “I was worried for a while that my baby boy was just going to be another nobody, but his teachers told me that due to his record-low reading comprehension scores he’s being moved straight to the school's 'Influencer tra

CLEVELAND 一 Tensions have reportedly escalated at the home of Chicago native Thomas Bergman as he and his cat, Pancake, disagree about the fundamental nature of his W2 Tax Form, sources confirm. “I could tell it piqued his interest from the second I opened it. At first, I thought he was just taking more of a hands-on-the-wheel approach to the household’s finances,” Bergman recalled. “But the second I left the room, I heard all kinds of commotion coming from the kitchen table.

EDEN CREEK, Minn. – Local United Healthcare adjuster Tom Warner was absolutely baffled last week after hearing you dare request coverage for something you called “insulin,” claims-processing sources report. “I understand that your doctor prescribed it and you’ve taken it your entire life,” Warner shouted into a telephone, “It’s just I never heard of no damn… what’s it called? Instagram? This just really doesn’t seem like the kind of thing that your health insurance needs to b

ANDERSONVILLE  — Last Sunday at Chicago Paint and Spirits, Linda Holden and her group of girlfriends attended a Paint and Sip event. The squad, who refer to themselves as Josie and the Pussygyatts, had attended many events at this establishment without incident. But this time they had apparently taken one sip too many. Owner of the business Ms. Martha Foss detailed the events of the evening to reporters. “We’ve been seeing the Pussygyatts come in monthly for almost a year now

SCHAUMBURG, IL – Young Bobby Winehouse was unceremoniously tossed onto a festering heap of other forgotten children after being left at Woodfield Mall on Thursday, mall security reports. “In cases like this, we have very a very simple procedure we follow.” said Woodfield Security Guard Matt Powell, “First, of course, we fill out an incident report. Once the paper work’s done, we add ‘em to the pile. If the kid remember a parent’s phone number we may give them a call, but most

ALBUQUERQUE, NM — Trevor Collins started the morning of February 7th the way he did most mornings. A shower, a shave, and sitting down to breakfast while scrolling through the morning news. Trevor, like very few Americans, likes to stay current on world news. It was then when Trevor read a rather troubling headline, but before he could put down his croissant, he found the article was safely hidden behind a paywall. “My morning was this close to being ruined, this close.”  It

HAROLD WASHINGTON LIBRARY — Valentines Day can be a stressful time of year. For many a day of great expectation and shattering disappointment. But regardless of how meager your own holiday has turned out, local boyfriend Justin Daily totally nailed it this year.  “I love my girlfriend Maggie, we’ve been seeing each other for a while and I knew that this year I just had to do something special. That’s why I woke up super early the day before and started planning for Valentines

FRANKLIN COUNTY, Ind. -- Former high school quarterback James Bahl "totally could have gone pro" if not for a career-ending interest in the law, bar-certified sources confirm. "I remember just before my senior season started. I was eighteen, and I had just been called to jury duty for the first time." said Bahl, "I remember sitting in that jury box, watching the attorneys fight for their clients. I thought, 'hey I could do that, and I wouldn't need to get hit in the head ever