Amazon to Issue Scrip Payment to Warehouse Workers

AMAZON WAREHOUSE (DFX5) — Workers at Illinois Amazon Warehouse (DFX5) were shocked last payday to find Amazon was no longer offering compensation in the form of the U.S. Dollar. Instead offering employees compensation in the form of Scrip or Company Money, that they are able to redeem exclusively through Amazon Prime. An anonymous Packer from within the facility gave this statement to press. 

“How am I supposed to pay my rent in Amazon gift cards? I tried to sell my landlord on the deal but she doesn’t have prime, so it looks like I’m going to have to move. On top of everything else, my drug dealer only takes cash. I’m going to be sober and on the streets, it’s a nightmare!” 

After major concerns were expressed by warehouse staff. Amazon corporate leadership came forward with an inventive solution they believed would help everyone. 

“We’re happy to announce our new Prime Body Lockers!” Said CEO Andy Jassy. “Any of our Prime members will now have exclusive access to a 3x3x6 foot space from the hours of 10pm to 4am at no additional cost. Our initial roll out of Body Lockers has been exclusively geared towards our warehouse staff. But after the inevitable success, we plan to build massive Body Locker facilities in every major U.S. city.” 

Needless to say employees were less than thrilled with this solution. 

“I’ve been a Machinist for this company for nearly a decade!” Said an anonymous Machinist within the facility. “I have two kids and my wife can’t work. I told my facility manager that there was no way me and my family would be able to squeeze into one of those goddamn coffins. You know what their suggestion was? GET EVERYONE THEIR OWN SUBCRIPTION TO AMAZON PRIME!” 

With employee demands continually left unmet, the workers of Warehouse (DFX5) went on strike. The strike immediately garnered media attention, and soon enough even the attention of the President of the United States. The President addressed the strike in a post online saying. 

“NOW SENDING IN TROOPS TO GET THESE LAZY BUMS BACK TO WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” 

At press time, National Guard troops have been deployed to the warehouse to combat striking workers. Luckily for the workers, a wide variety of weapons were available through Amazon with free two day shipping. The resulting conflict between workers and National Guard troops is expected to be filmed by Prime Video crews and uploaded to the platform within the hour.