Man Stuck in Time Loop Content With Selfish Ways

AUSTIN - As the same day repeats on end, 56 year old Clyde Porchus says he sees no reason to abandon his pattern of selfish, destructive behavior.

“I know every day when I wake up, it’s gonna be the same shit. If everybody else is gonna do the same thing, why shouldn’t I?” Porchus asked. “Matter of fact, why not take it up a notch? If I do something bad, these people aren’t gonna remember it tomorrow anyhow.”

Since discovering the nature of his situation, Porchus has publicly pulled down the pants of dozens of people, dined and dashed at every restaurant in the city, and robbed two local banks. Both robberies resulted in his death (and subsequent rebirth the following morning) at the hands of police after Porchus opened fire.

Porchus claims he gets a sense of euphoria from “breaking the rules of the liberal elites.” He continues, “They want you in a box. Doing what they want you to do every day. Go to work, come home, get a tug from the missus, go to sleep. Rinse and repeat. I’m shaking up their status quo and I’m enjoying it.”

Prior to his time loop entrapment, Porchus had a criminal record consisting of multiple DUI’s, two domestic disturbances, and three misdemeanor assault charges. He had also been banned from the local Hooters restaurant for making “honking” motions towards the staff.

His wife, Elaine Porchus had this to say. “I haven’t noticed anything different about Clyde, to be honest. Seems to me like he’s doing the same thing he always did. Who’s this for? Associated Jest? You one of those liberal medias? I don’t wanna talk anymore. Get off my property, please.”