White House Staffers Thrilled Trump on Different Plane

TURKEY — After a long and tedious NATO Summit, White House staffers were mentally prepping for the roughly 11 hour flight back to D.C.. Long flights are never fun for anyone, but according to sources aboard Air Force One, flights with President Trump are near unbearable. White House Correspondent for the Associated Jest, Francis Hanover gave us the inside scoop. 

“Usually before takeoff he takes a fat shit. That of course stinks up the whole plane before we’ve even left the ground. Then the second the fasten seatbelt sign turns off, he’s making a beeline back to that bathroom. Again just blowing it the fuck up. For most of the flight he’s tweeting from the toilet and yelling to all of us in the cabin “GUYS GUYS CHECK TRUTH SOCIAL, THIS ONE’S A BANGER I PROMISE”. And if we don’t all go and like his posts he’ll crack the door open and yell some more. It lets out all the smell, so it’s really best to just like whatever AI slop he’s pushed out and move on.” 

While the White House Press Pool and other staffers were preparing to endure being confined with the President, U.S. Officials determined there was a credible threat that Air Force One may be targeted and shot down. A secret operation was put into place to remove the president and a few of his closest allies to another plane. White House staffers, unaware that their lives may be in danger were thrilled. 

“There was an audible sigh of relief among everyone,” said Scott Bessent. “He took a few poor souls with him, I’m pretty sure I saw Pete Hegseth crying as they moved him to the other plane. The next 11 hours of travel were the most peaceful any of us had had in the last couple years. When we found out later there was a credible threat to our lives, we were still so relaxed from the flight that we didn’t even care.” 

There were, however, some aboard the decoy plane who were aware that it might get shot down. Marco Rubio and Scott Bessent were both aware of the threat but remained on the decoy flight. Rubio later explained it was an easy choice to make. 

“Listen, they offered me a seat on the real flight. But I said fuck that shit. I don’t care if the fucking thing get’s shot down, let me ride in the decoy. It was a win-win situation. I either get to have a nice quiet flight, free from the president's bodily odors, or I get shot down and then this whole nightmare is over anyway. Either way, SCORE!” 

At press time, President Trump insists that the flight he was on actually faced greater risk than the decoy. The plane boarded by Trump and his group was smaller than the decoy. With fewer places for the smell to go, the concentration of fart smell from the president proved too strong. Upon landing in D.C. two aids had succumbed to the smell and died. When asked about the deaths, Trump blamed the smell on Pete Hegseth who took full responsibility.