AUSTIN - As the same day repeats on end, 56 year old Clyde Porchus says he sees no reason to abandon his pattern of selfish, destructive behavior. “I know every day when I wake up, it’s gonna be the same shit. If everybody else is gonna do the same thing, why shouldn’t I?” Porchus asked. “Matter of fact, why not take it up a notch? If I do something bad, these people aren’t gonna remember it tomorrow anyhow.” Since discovering the nature of his situation, Porchus has publicly

CHICAGO— Drivers in the city of Chicago should be on high alert, as the city’s Department of Water Management has reportedly installed a fire hydrant right where you parked. “The decision to install a fire hydrant right where you parked was not an impulsive one, I can assure you.” explained Chicago Department of Water Management Commissioner Randy Conner. “It took months of careful planning, scouting, and surveying to select and confirm that spot for installation of a fire

BOCA CHICA, Texas — Tragedy struck the Northbound 52 bus last week as weird tech mogul and world’s first trillionaire Elon Musk lost his entire fortune while commuting to his Boca Chica home, frantic sources report. “I just had it! You’ve got to be kidding me.” exclaimed a distraught Musk Friday afternoon. “Someone on this bus has it, I know they do. Valet! Stop the bus this instant. One of these wretched ‘poors’ has my trillion, and I intend to reclaim every penny. Valet! Wh

EMERYVILLE, Calif. — Audiences worldwide were left horrified after the theatrical premiere of Toy Story 5 Thursday night. According to eyewitnesses, the long-awaited fifth installment of Pixar’s flagship franchise includes several ‘bizarre’ and ‘unexpected’ scenes, including one 3-minute segment that shows viewers the exact moment Bonnie first saw the video of Charlie Kirk’s assassination. “What are some of those core ‘canon moments’ that everyone with a mobile device can rel

CHICAGO — The eighth season of HBO Max’s Euphoria premiered last month and, for some odd reason, people are still talking about Euphoria. Now personally, I’m no stranger to the world of television. My peers know this. So they keep asking me what I think of Euphoria and how I’m liking the new season of Euphoria. It’s all been very exhausting, not because the last thing I want to do with my time is dedicate 36 hours to catching up on Euphoria. That would be absurd. The issue is

NEW YORK — Hurried pedestrians and people-pleasers beware, as an eager canvasser nearby has seemingly marked you, the reader, as his chosen prey, sources eager to speak to you for just a moment report. “I could smell you the second you turned the corner, I’m locked on now.” said volunteer canvasser Andrew Kairn. “I see what you’re trying to do, giving a polite but not too friendly nod in my direction before quickly averting your gaze. I’m onto your little game. You think you

CHICAGO — Local urgent care clinic Guardian Immediate Care is reportedly proud to provide desperate Chicagoans, victimized by a predatory healthcare system, with clinical help that can be accurately described as neither “urgent” nor “care”, uninsured sources confirmed. “My college buddies and I started Guardian Immediate Care with one simple mission,” said Guardian Founder and CEO Karl Estes. “That mission was to find Chicagoans throughout the community in dire need of medica

WASHINGTON — The U.S. Department of Homeland Security shocked the nation last week, as Secretary Markwayne Mullin announced plans to halt all international flights to US cities containing bike lanes in a press conference Thursday morning. “I can’t stand those fucking things,” an agitated Mullin told reporters. “So pretentious, a whole section of the road reserved for some asshole in booty-shorts. Well, frankly that is not the kind of image these great United States want to po

THE MOON — United States forces carried out a series of devastating airstrikes targeting the Moon’s South Pole last week in a move that U.S. Central Command justified as “precautionary and undoubtedly necessary.” “I can assure the American people that last week’s airstrikes on the moon were absolutely essential to ensuring the continued safety of our great nation.” explained CENTCOM spokesman Darrel Healey. “After NASA’s recent announcement regarding plans to construct a so-c

A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY - LA Lakers star LeBron James has informed the team that he will be spending his offseason in the Dagobah System to train with long-time mentor Yoda. “Look, man. I’m 42. Last time I went out there was the summer before my first MVP. [I’m] looking forward to getting back with Yoda, getting back in touch with the Force, things of that nature” James commented. “Whatever I can do to extend my playing career, I’m gonna do it. Whether that’s force-lifting an

COLUMBIA COLLEGE CHICAGO - “Prison has rules, work has rules, government has rules. Poetry only listens to emotion as its ruler. It knows no god, serves no master, obeys no command. Know thy pen, understand the paper, and let the poetry do the rest.” Professor Gianmarco explained to his class of undergraduate English majors. Amidst the flamboyant teaching, Mike Walmak, a freshman, was scribbling away with his head down in his journal. “Mr. Walmak is there something more inter

JORDAN, Mont. — Local Proud Boy and Capitol insurrectionist Kevin Lawrence may finally have the means to become the Aggravated Arsonist he’s always dreamed of being, thanks to the Justice Department’s creation of a $1.776 billion dollar “Anti-Weaponization Fund”, sources dangerously close to kerosene report. “I just can’t believe it’s finally happening,” a teary-eyed Lawrence told reporters Monday night. “It feels like a dream come true, it really does. I had a feeling I was

BOONE, N.C. — Appalachian State University Commencement Announcer Rachel Decatur made waves during last weekend’s College of Arts and Sciences Commencement Ceremony. According to eyewitnesses, Decatur stumbled courageously and gracelessly through the names of every white student in attendance. “What can I say? I’m all about equality”, said Decatur, 43. “Every year, so many students of color are forced to face that embarrassing moment when some hick professor makes an absolute

HONG KONG — Local child and full-time iPhone manufacturer Mei Song apologized deeply to Apple customers last week, stating she was “immeasurably sorry” that the iPhone 17 is not quite as fast as users hoped, overworked sources report. “My heart goes out to every valued customer who was affected by these performance issues,” said Song, 9. “Quality Control is integral to our operations here at the shop, but sometimes, even we make mistakes. We love the work we do, but we work l

NEW YORK — Former New York City Mayor entered a bed-bound frenzy last night after failing to deduce which nurse in his hospital room is secretly Borat, intubated sources confirm. “Don’t think you can just pull a fast one over on me, I’m America’s mayor!” shouted a manic Giuliani in between doses of Ativan. “I know a setup when I see one. I knew it in that damn hotel room, and I know it now! Any minute now, when I’m at my most vulnerable, some sicko wearing lingerie is going t

TRENTON, NJ — Last month, the Trenton PD’s brand-new K-9 unit hit the streets, marking the first deployment of police dogs in the city’s history. The dogs have been assisting the local police force in routine duties across the city. The dogs, as they report, have been “extremely proud” to join the fight to uphold the Thin Grey Line between order and chaos. “We're ecstatic to finally be joining the Boys in Grey here in Trenton.” said officer Rex, a loose-cannon English Greyho

After opening last weekend to an astonishing $219M at the box office, the Michael movie, which recounts the life and struggle of pop star Michael Jackson, has garnered praise and criticism alike. While some commend the film’s performance and production value, many more seem to be criticizing Michael's complete disregard for the many controversies in which the King of Pop became embroiled throughout his tumultuous life. However, as I trod home after seeing the controversial pi

ATHENS, Ga. — Tragedy struck a local Zaxby’s last week when part-time fry cook James DuPage, 17, tragically passed away just moments before he could accept a coworker’s closing shift, panicked sources report. “Wait, does this mean I have to go in tomorrow?” asked DuPage’s distressed coworker Colin Montgomery. “Shit, I was gonna go see Hayley Williams with my girlfriend; she’s gonna be so pissed. Are we sure he didn’t accept the request? Has anybody checked? I mean rest in pea

Gemini Photo Booth Hottie Me, waiting with my friends for the Gemini Photo Booth. You, flashed the camera with your friend, left before it printed. AI Remix left your face unrecognizable. But your body spoke for itself. White Claw Witch You were espousing the wonders of wicca with your friends at the White Claw booth. You looked to be mid-50’s, 120lbs, all skin. You were talking me through a recipe for a protection spell and I just couldn’t look away from your soulful, sun-da

CLEVELAND — The vibes in the office turned abysmal this morning as local Sales Rep Johnathan Webster discovered not a single one of his coworkers talking about WrestleMania. “I just can’t believe what I’m not hearing.” said Webster, unable to stand still. “How is nobody talking about the biggest event of the year? Not one person has asked me what matches I had money on. Nobody even pretended to hit me with an RKO. The only logical explanation is I’m being pranked. Everybody’s