Crazed Giuliani Can't Figure Out Which Nurse Is Borat

NEW YORK — Former New York City Mayor entered a bed-bound frenzy last night after failing to deduce which nurse in his hospital room is secretly Borat, intubated sources confirm.

“Don’t think you can just pull a fast one over on me, I’m America’s mayor!” shouted a manic Giuliani in between doses of Ativan. “I know a setup when I see one. I knew it in that damn hotel room, and I know it now! Any minute now, when I’m at my most vulnerable, some sicko wearing lingerie is going to burst through that door, so you might as well just get it over with. You hear me, Sacha! Wherever the hell you are it’s not working this time!”

According to Dr. Pauline Schraeder, Medical Director at New York Presbyterian Hospital, Giuliani’s outbursts are nothing new for medical staff.

“It’s very typical for people in this state to exhibit signs of extreme denial.” explained Dr. Schraeder. “Our brains often can’t handle the prospect of imminent death, it’s too scary and overwhelming, so we make up fantasies. We convince ourselves that this can’t be reality, that secretly someone somewhere is pulling a ‘prank’ on us, and that any second now the truth will be revealed. Unfortunately for Mr. Giuliani, this is not a hidden-camera mockumentary.”

Not all medical staff at Presbyterian agree with Dr. Schraeder, however, as Registered Nurse Jayleen LeBeau Explained.

“I don’t know, I think he might be onto something,” said LeBeau. “Don’t get me wrong, I can’t stand Rudy Giuliani, and I think almost everything he says is bullshit, but he might’ve gotten lucky this time. For months now, I’ve had a sneaking suspicion that Mark is not who he says he is. I don’t really know what it is, but I just don’t trust him. He’s gotta be hiding something, and I’m just saying I wouldn’t be surprised if I found out he was Borat.”

At press time, Giuliani has leapt from the bed and begun smashing medical equipment in the room, searching frantically for a hidden camera.