NEW YORK — Former New York City Mayor entered a bed-bound frenzy last night after failing to deduce which nurse in his hospital room is secretly Borat, intubated sources confirm. “Don’t think you can just pull a fast one over on me, I’m America’s mayor!” shouted a manic Giuliani in between doses of Ativan. “I know a setup when I see one. I knew it in that damn hotel room, and I know it now! Any minute now, when I’m at my most vulnerable, some sicko wearing lingerie is going t

This year, I had the unfortunate privilege of securing a press pass to the 2026 White House Easter Egg Roll. I had never possessed any intention of actually attending the event, but mushroom chocolates have a way of taking you to unexpected places. While the celebration was overall very entertaining, the evening presented one challenge that I could’ve done without. I was, in a word, deeply disturbed by the official White House Easter Bunny’s incessant requests to see my paper

DALLAS, TX — Wait times at airports hit astronomical highs last weekend due to the ongoing shortage of TSA agents willing to work for free. The government was forced to reallocate some resources, as Texas Governor Greg Abott explained to the press. “We said, 'Okay. These lazy fucks won’t work for free. So who do we know that’ll give people invasive pat downs and search their shit, just for the love of the game?' Then it hit me, ICE!!!” But the Immigration and Customs Enforc

SHEPHERDSVILLE, Ky. — Amidst a bundle of grocery store ads, insurance scams, and flyers from internet service providers, one piece of mail in particular, sent from the so-called "Selective Service System", stuck out to local man John Passinissi, sources in denial report. "I mean it can't be real, right?" said Passinissi, pausing intermittently to stare at nothing. "It's gotta be spam... right? It has to be... It-- I get so much mail claiming this, that, or the other, but it's

LOS ANGELES — FBI Director Kash Patel was spotted drinking and carrying on with the cast of F1 after the Academy Awards Ceremony Sunday night. Eyewitness report Patel arrived uninvited and promptly began drinking heavily and antagonizing members of the cast. "Yeah [the cast and crew] were pretty psyched after taking Best Sound." said F1 Key Grip Joel Argyle. "So we went to this local dive to celebrate. We're having some drinks, moping together. Then, one of the guys at the

MARSHFIELD, Wis. — Local police officer Donny Lorenz received high praise from colleagues and civilians alike last week, after a heroic roadside rescue. The Marshfield PD Sergeant leapt into action Thursday night to score some sweet grass, glass, and cash from a blazing vehicle on the side of the road, eyewitnesses report. "It was incredible, like something out of an action movie," said local man Phil Pratt. "I could see the smoke from a mile away. I pulled over a couple hund

MINOT AIR FORCE BASE, ND — Senior Airman Frank Holland was among the first Americans to foresee the oncoming conflict with Iran, when late last February he discovered nearly all of the ballistics stored in his facility displayed a best by date of March 1st, 2026. In an interview with reporters last week, Airman Holland further explained the weight of his discovery. “Do you have any idea what the budget request was for the U.S. Military in 2025? 849.8 Billion Dollars!" exclai

WASHINGTON — Former DHS Secretary Kristi Noem has been handpicked to lead a local kill shelter close to the Capitol, President Trump announced in a press conference Saturday. The move comes after President Trump's removal of Kristi Noem from her post as head of Homeland Security last week, with President Trump expressing high hopes for her new position. "Frankly, I think Kristi is going to do very well in her new role." said President Trump, "She was doing absolutely spectacu

LONDON — Former CIA Agents Black Spy and Niegel "Numbuh 1" Uno blew the whistle on the United States' notorious intelligence agency last week during an appearance on the British podcast The Diary of a CEO. The two ex-agents' appearance came hot on the tails of a similar interview with former CIA agent John Kiriakou on the same show, though each guest took a markedly different approach to the interview in comparison to Kiriakou. "My time with the agency was wonderful." reveale

ARBY’S KITCHEN -- Last night, amidst the final stretch of the midnight drive-thru dinner rush, experienced line cook Jeff proposed the staff engage in a discussion of global conflicts to make the work fly by. Rookie cashier Luis Fonz chimed into the conversation shouting, “Oh yeah, what’s happening in Sudan right now is crazy dude, glad the RSF is protecting the communities and citizens that really matter, finally some half decent change is happening around there.” He said w

WASHINGTON -- Last week, Democrats in both the House and Senate held out against their Republican counterparts, demanding immediate ICE reform However, several Congressional Democrats have already confirmed that they are willing to settle for much, much less. "Obviously, we hope to finally put a stop to the atrocities being carried out by the DHS." said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, "But at the same time, diplomacy is all about compromise, and we're willing to give u