Kristi Noem Reassigned to DC Kill Shelter

WASHINGTON — Former DHS Secretary Kristi Noem has been handpicked to lead a local kill shelter close to the Capitol, President Trump announced in a press conference Saturday.

The move comes after President Trump's removal of Kristi Noem from her post as head of Homeland Security last week, with President Trump expressing high hopes for her new position.

"Frankly, I think Kristi is going to do very well in her new role." said President Trump, "She was doing absolutely spectacularly as DHS Secretary, which is why she was summarily fired from that job and removed from the public eye. I just hope she brings the same enthusiasm she had for Homeland Security to the Penn Quarter Sanctuary and Slaughterhouse for Dogs."

Former Secretary Noem took the stage shortly after Trump's announcement, thanking the President for his support and outlining her plans to serve Americans in a new capacity.

"I am so proud of all the great work we've done in the DHS this past year." said Noem "From our brave ICE agents on the ground, to my personal boy toy and Chief of Staff Mr. Lewandowski, we all came together and accomplished something great. Through our efforts, we were able to make this country a safer place for Americans, by murdering a few of them and abducting and imprisoning several others. I'm excited to bring those same winning policies and functional tactics to this new challenge, and I thank the President for choosing me for the task."

While many are still shocked by the Secretary's new assignment, other employees at the kill shelter claim this may be a match made in heaven.

"It might sound crazy, but she actually seems really happy here." said veterinary technician Paula Lawrence. "I've been a fan of Secretary Noem for a long time now, and I couldn't stand the way they treated her in the West Wing, always asking her questions and holding her accountable for so-called 'atrocities' she may have committed. I could tell the job was really starting to wear on her. Here, though, she's finally free from all the politics of Capitol Hill, able to do what she truly loves. When I watch Mrs. Noem put hot lead between the eyes of a neglected Terrier, something amazing happens. She's calm, she's calculated, she is truly in her element. I get the feeling that I'm watching a human being do exactly what she was put on this Earth to do."

At press time, Animal Executioner Kristi "Dogsbane" Noem has slain 43 pets, and plans to extinguish a hundred more before year's end, all in the name of keeping Americans safe of course.