CHICAGO  — 28 Year-Old Vince Gaffigan was out jogging along the lakefront last Wednesday, when something unusual happened. Overcome by the “Call of the Lake” Vince’s jog took a sharp turn into the water. His Wife and Jogging Partner Becky Flanigan detailed the situation to police.  “We were just jogging like usual. Then next thing I know Vince is diving headfirst into the water and surrendering to the current, Ophelia style. I will say he often looked out over the lake with a

WASHINGTON — Former DHS Secretary Kristi Noem has been handpicked to lead a local kill shelter close to the Capitol, President Trump announced in a press conference Saturday. The move comes after President Trump's removal of Kristi Noem from her post as head of Homeland Security last week, with President Trump expressing high hopes for her new position. "Frankly, I think Kristi is going to do very well in her new role." said President Trump, "She was doing absolutely spectacu

2.5 Stars. Why are they dancing? The Pats are losing.

BOISE, Idaho – Amidst ballooning mortgage costs and the looming threat of another recession, cash-strapped pets in Idaho and across the United States have all but given up hope on the prospect of homeowning, quadripedal sources confirm. “The market really is ruff [sic] right now, especially for younger pets.” said Luna, a local Pekingese. “With so many pets struggling to make ends meet as it is, home ownership is the last thing on our minds. So for now, we’re stuck in this he

WASHINGTON – Nearly a century after the historic passing of the Fair Labor Standards Act, United States’ Federal Minimum Wage will be officially retired, according to a bill passed by Congress last week. “Recently, we’ve seen a lot of local businesses across all industries try to help consumers by offering more affordable ‘pay what you can’ options for their products and services,” explained Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “But we know a lot of employers have been strug

TOBY’S TOY’S, CHICAGO — Like many toy stores, Toby’s is a place for joy. A place where dreams come true and excited kids get to take home their favorite toys. But for one such toy this is also a place of existential dread.  “When I was first shipped in I thought I was the same as any other Rubix Cube. But then as we were all getting put on the shelf, I found out something different was in store for me. Toby himself takes me out of my box and puts me back on the shelf naked as