US Ditches Minimum Wage in Favor of ‘Pay What You Can’ Model

WASHINGTON – Nearly a century after the historic passing of the Fair Labor Standards Act, United States’ Federal Minimum Wage will be officially retired, according to a bill passed by Congress last week.

“Recently, we’ve seen a lot of local businesses across all industries try to help consumers by offering more affordable ‘pay what you can’ options for their products and services,” explained Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “But we know a lot of employers have been struggling during these trying times as well. So this decision is for honest, down-on-their-luck corporations who are just looking for cheap, easy labor in an unprecedented economic climate.”

The bill has been divisive to say the least, with some criticizing the move’s callous disregard for American workers. Many CEO’s and other executives, though, were quick to praise the bill’s many strengths.

“Time and time again, in every recession in human history, we see big corporations hit the hardest in their hour of vulnerability,” said Dollar General CEO Todd Vasos. “We’re so glad that the good people in Washington are finally doing something to look out for us little guys. A lot of people like to call CEO’s greedy or ‘money-hungry’ but let me tell you this: right now, we’re starving.”

Not everyone in Vasos’s organization is as excited about the change, as evidenced by one Dollar General cashier’s shock when we informed them about the bill’s passing.

“What? No, you guys are fucking with me,” said Amy Moreira, 26. “Wait, you’re serious? No, I gotta look this up… Shiiiit. So that’s it, huh? We’re just fucked? Oh look, an email from HR. ‘Dear Ms. Moreira, due to economic difficulties… new hourly wage will be $2.15?’ I can’t work for $2.15 an hour! What the hell am I gonna do?”

At press time, American CEO’s promise they’ll start paying more again just as soon as the economy is fixed.