Christian Pulisic Clicks Off Safety, Approaches Pitch

LOS ANGELES — Before the event even began, shit got real at the United States vs. Paraguay World Cup Match Friday night. Just moments before kick-off, American forward Christian Pulisic reportedly disengaged the safety on his 429 Desert Eagle, terrified Paraguayan sources confirmed.

“I knew we were playing the US but Jesus Christ.” said Paraguayan midfielder Julio Enciso, refusing to take his eyes off Pulisic. “Honestly, though, I understand. I bet he’s scared shitless. Pulisic knows he’s about to get humiliated in front of the entire world, so he’s feeling a little… insecure. He thought his scary gun would help. I’m not so sure.”

While the move may have come as a shock to many, USMNT head coach Mauricio Pochettino assured reporters this was a carefully thought out maneuver by Pulisic.

“Yeah, this is something one of the guys came up with back in April.” recounted Pochettino. “I dismissed the idea at first but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I mean watch the news. Everybody’s expecting something crazy from us right now, so why not give it to them? Show them that Americans are exactly the hot-tempered, gun-toting boogeymen they’ve been hearing about. Finally, I gave in. I said ‘What if we gave Chris a gun?’ and we just ran with it. I’m proud of what we’ve planned and I just hope it plays on the field. I’m eager to see how it affects his mentality, having the gun and all.”

USA fans were quick to voice their support for tactic, including 27-year-old superfan Brett Donaghue.

“First I’d just like to say, I would do absolutely anything for Christian Pulisic.” said a determined Donaghue. “That man is the second coming of Christ. He is a gift to the game of soccer and to the planet Earth. We are not worthy to breathe his air. Hell yes I think he should have a gun. I think we should give Christian Pulisic every single gun in the world, because he is pure of heart and can do no ill. Fucking Fantastic.”

At press time, Paraguayan goalkeeper Gatito Fernández has blocked three hollow-point rounds discharged by Pulisic.