LOS ANGELES — Before the event even began, shit got real at the United States vs. Paraguay World Cup Match Friday night. Just moments before kick-off, American forward Christian Pulisic reportedly disengaged the safety on his 429 Desert Eagle, terrified Paraguayan sources confirmed. “I knew we were playing the US but Jesus Christ.” said Paraguayan midfielder Julio Enciso, refusing to take his eyes off Pulisic. “Honestly, though, I understand. I bet he’s scared shitless. Pulis

CHICAGO — McDonald's has partnered with US Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. for the brand-new limited-time "RFK Jr. Measles & McNuggets Meal," a spokesperson for the company reports. "Honestly, we're just trying shit with these crossover meals." said McDonald's VP of Marketing Michelle Peters. "I mean we never in a million years thought [Secretary Kennedy] would actually agree to it. Like, what? But we were having some drinks, just pitching anythin