LOS ANGELES — Before the event even began, shit got real at the United States vs. Paraguay World Cup Match Friday night. Just moments before kick-off, American forward Christian Pulisic reportedly disengaged the safety on his 429 Desert Eagle, terrified Paraguayan sources confirmed. “I knew we were playing the US but Jesus Christ.” said Paraguayan midfielder Julio Enciso, refusing to take his eyes off Pulisic. “Honestly, though, I understand. I bet he’s scared shitless. Pulis

WASHINGTON, DC — “Have you done your Tax Return?” asks IRS Commissioner Scott Bessent, holding a GLOCK-19 to your temple. With the April 15th deadline fast approaching, Scott Bessent wants to remind everyone “who the fuck is in charge." Bessent further threatened press saying, “You think you can fuck with us? You think your punk ass can open up a new small business and make more than you originally estimated for the fiscal year. ROTT IN HELL YOU DUMB FUCK. Give us everything