IRS Loads Gun in Preparation for April 15 Deadline

WASHINGTON, DC — “Have you done your Tax Return?” asks IRS Commissioner Scott Bessent, holding a GLOCK-19 to your temple. With the April 15th deadline fast approaching, Scott Bessent wants to remind everyone “who the fuck is in charge." Bessent further threatened press saying, 

“You think you can fuck with us? You think your punk ass can open up a new small business and make more than you originally estimated for the fiscal year. ROTT IN HELL YOU DUMB FUCK. Give us everything. The second we catch your ass trying to flex on the IRS, we’re coming for the fucking farm.” 

Commissioner Bessent continued to hold press hostage until every anchor present who hadn’t yet filed their return, did so. Local financial correspondent Howard Tuppance gave this statement after surviving the ordeal. 

“I came in to work today expecting to get some good answers, and see what was being done about our flawed tax system. Instead I end up being fed into this system face first. It’s already pretty complicated as it is. But try speed running Turbo Tax with a gun to your head. Somehow I pulled it off. Now I just have to hope nothing gets processed wrong or they’ll come after my family. 

After repeated assurance that all hostages had given their pound of flesh back to the U.S. government. Commissioner Basset released the hostages, audited but otherwise unharmed. After a brief altercation with police ensued, ending with Commissioner Bassett greased up and scaling the Washington Monument. Upon reaching the top, Basset screamed to the world saying. 

“FOR EVEN GOD CANNOT ESCAPE THE REACH OF MY POWER. THIS WORLD MAY HAVE EXISTED LONG BEFORE YOU OR I. BUT IT IS THE MASTERS WHICH I SERVE THAT HAVE CHANGED THIS WORLD FOREVER. THE SYSTEMS WE HAVE DESIGNED WILL ENDURE BEYOND CIVILIZATION. GAZE UPON OUR BEAUTY AND WEAP!” 

At press time, local EMS and Rescue teams are attempting to lure the lubed up commissioner down from the monument, with a stack of 10-95’s still warm from the copier. Citizens across the country are again reminded of this year's deadline. To quote Commissioner Basset “File on time, or you may never file again.”