Call of the Lake Overwhelming

CHICAGO  — 28 Year-Old Vince Gaffigan was out jogging along the lakefront last Wednesday, when something unusual happened. Overcome by the “Call of the Lake” Vince’s jog took a sharp turn into the water. His Wife and Jogging Partner Becky Flanigan detailed the situation to police. 

“We were just jogging like usual. Then next thing I know Vince is diving headfirst into the water and surrendering to the current, Ophelia style. I will say he often looked out over the lake with a certain numbness usually reserved for grizzled sailors and light house keepers. But he’s a public school teacher so I figured that was pretty standard.” 

But Vince himself would later clarify, his actions were completely unrelated to work. The “Call of the Lake” as Vince described it, is the overwhelming urge to be swallowed whole by the ecosystem of Lake Michigan. According to Vince this is a perfectly natural impulse to have around large bodies of water, shared by individuals across the country. After being plucked from the lake bottom Vince coughed up 2 liters of water and gave this statement to police. 

“It’s the promise of an escape. An escape from all the atrocities built by man, money, work, all of human suffering. None of that means a damn at the bottom of the lake. In a way the promise put out in the Call of the Lake, is the promise of freedom. I’ve seen men die for less.” 

The Call of the Lake is nothing new. Variations of Vince's story have been told since the beginning of the industrial revolution. Researcher and Angler, Dr. Green had this to say about the phenomena. 

“Human beings are innately whimsical creatures. Even the worst Silicon Valley Tech Bro, finds himself dancing alone in the kitchen from time to time. So if you take a human, and make them work menial labor for long hours, it’s no wonder people are swimming in search of Ween’s Ocean Man. But work is not the only factor. Sometimes we forget that even in a city we exist as part of an ecosystem. When we find ourselves dissatisfied or even horrified by the beast we’ve come to call home. We indulge in the fantasy of joining a new one.” 

At press time, news of Vince’s surrender to the weight of the tides has caused a minor rush of others looking to join the world of the lake. Upwards of 13 people have already drowned in Montrose Harbor. Seeing this many people jump into the lake at once, the locals of Lincoln Park assumed it was some kind of morning swim event. An Instagram page was quickly created and now anyone wishing to surrender to the Call of the Lake, can do so with dozens of other people every Sunday morning at 10.