MOTHER'S DAY WAS WHEN?

CHICAGO, IL — 24 year-old Evan Gibbons owes a lot to his mother, 58 year-old Debbie Gibbons. From giving him rides to soccer practice, to sending him to college. Debbie has been what many would call the perfect mother, and Evan agrees. Wanting to show his appreciation Evan was eager to get the perfect gift for mothers day. After a painstaking selection process the perfect gift finally arrived this Friday, only for Evan to discover that mothers day was last week. Confused and embarrassed Evan held a press conference saying. 

“WHAT? LAST WEEK? ARE YOU SERIOUS, SINCE WHEN. FUCK. SHIT. I REALLY THOUGHT I HAD IT THIS YEAR. GODDAMIT!” 

Debbie Gibbons assured both press and Evan that while she wasn’t mad she was a little disappointed. 

“I don’t blame him for forgetting, a lot was going on that day,” said Debbie. “The actual day of Mothers day I heard a bunch of clanging and scrounging around in the kitchen. I naturally assumed it was Evan making me breakfast in bed or something sweet like that. I waited in bed for a good hour or two to see what he could come up with. But nothing happened. Eventually I got out of bed and made my way downstairs. Turns out Evan was still fast asleep in his room and a raccoon had come in through the dog door and tore into the cupboards.” 

Evan was woken up minutes later, from the sounds of his mother and the raccoon doing battle. 

“One minute I’m having a dream where an opera singer and a rabid dog are doing a waltz. Next thing I know I’m awake but I can still hear everything. I go upstairs, and mom is swinging a racoon around the kitchen latched on to the end of a Swiffer. She screams for me to get to the back door. I slide it open and she chucks the damn thing half way across the backyard, and slams the door shut.” 

After successfully forcing the racoon out of the kitchen, Debbie rushed to the emergency room to get her scratch and bite wounds disinfected and tested for rabies. 

At press time, Evan has given Debbie her belated Mothers Day gift. Which included a spa voucher, flowers, and chocolates. Debbie, who in the past week has turned rabid, ate the flowers, spread the chocolates over the lawn, and is looking forward to a relaxing day at the spa. To all the mothers of the world, we give you our most sincere thanks and wish you all a happy May 15th.