MICHIGAN — Lettuce Farmer Arthur Ferris recently came clean. With the recent outbreak of stomach parasites spreading across the U.S. Arthur knew it was only a matter of time before it would be traced back to him. Looking to avoid jail time, Arthur gave the police this statement, “I’VE BEEN SHITTING IN THE LETTUCE FIELD FOR YEARS!” Arthur screamed in between sobs. “I have nearly 1,500 acres that I’m maintaining. If I’m all the way at the far end of the pasture and nature calls

CHICAGO, IL — 24 year-old Evan Gibbons owes a lot to his mother, 58 year-old Debbie Gibbons. From giving him rides to soccer practice, to sending him to college. Debbie has been what many would call the perfect mother, and Evan agrees. Wanting to show his appreciation Evan was eager to get the perfect gift for mothers day. After a painstaking selection process the perfect gift finally arrived this Friday, only for Evan to discover that mothers day was last week. Confused and