Embarrassed Lettuce Farmer Confesses to Shitting in Field

MICHIGAN — Lettuce Farmer Arthur Ferris recently came clean. With the recent outbreak of stomach parasites spreading across the U.S. Arthur knew it was only a matter of time before it would be traced back to him. Looking to avoid jail time, Arthur gave the police this statement,

“I’VE BEEN SHITTING IN THE LETTUCE FIELD FOR YEARS!” Arthur screamed in between sobs. “I have nearly 1,500 acres that I’m maintaining. If I’m all the way at the far end of the pasture and nature calls, you expect me to go all the way back up to the house to take a dump? Hell no! You better believe that I’m hanging my bare ass out the side of the moving tractor and letting loose.” 

Ferris knew that what he was doing was wrong. But at the end of the day, any number of animals are running in and out of his field shitting all the way. He figured surely one more creature's shit couldn't hurt. Unfortunately he could not have been more wrong. 

“Most forms of shit are actually beneficial for plants,” said Secretary of Agriculture Brooke Rollins. “But despite our numerous attempts, we are yet to find a way to make the average person's shit a practical fertilizer.”

But lack of FDA approval meant nothing to Arthur's digestive track. Mysteriously however, Arthur had been shitting in the field for an admitted two decades without incident. Arthur claims that he had contracted the parasite from someone else's lettuce which in turn led to contamination within his own field. 

“All I’m saying is that I had a figuratively clean slate for nearly twenty years. Then I got out on a limb and get a bag of spinach from Gary down the road. I can’t be expected to eat just lettuce all the time. Sometimes a man needs a little variety. But I know it was that godforsaken spinach which gave me the parasite, which I then shit all over my own fields. Long story short I am not the one to blame here.” 

At press time, roughage investigators are looking into the validity of Arthur's claims. Should the virus actually be traced back to Gary’s farm it’s unclear whether the men will both be held responsible. Regardless, the damage is done. No matter who is at fault, no one can un-shit this reporter's pants.