MICHIGAN — Lettuce Farmer Arthur Ferris recently came clean. With the recent outbreak of stomach parasites spreading across the U.S. Arthur knew it was only a matter of time before it would be traced back to him. Looking to avoid jail time, Arthur gave the police this statement, “I’VE BEEN SHITTING IN THE LETTUCE FIELD FOR YEARS!” Arthur screamed in between sobs. “I have nearly 1,500 acres that I’m maintaining. If I’m all the way at the far end of the pasture and nature calls

UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO MEDICAL CENTER — 25 Year Old Spencer Carlisle was admitted to an urgent care late Wednesday night, displaying a wide array of symptoms. After a battery of testing, professionals within the facility were unable to diagnose the root cause of any of Spencer's ailments and he was then airlifted to The University of Chicago Medical Center for intensive care. While at the facility, Spencer was prescribed miscellaneous pills which seemed to do the trick. But a