Entirety of Man’s Health Problems Solved by Glass of Water

UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO MEDICAL CENTER  — 25 Year Old Spencer Carlisle was admitted to an urgent care late Wednesday night, displaying a wide array of symptoms. After a battery of testing, professionals within the facility were unable to diagnose the root cause of any of Spencer's ailments and he was then airlifted to The University of Chicago Medical Center for intensive care. While at the facility, Spencer was prescribed miscellaneous pills which seemed to do the trick. But as Spencer was feeling better Doctors noticed that it was not in fact the medication but the glass of water he used to swallow the pills that remedied his sickness.

Charge Nurse Jackie Hudson had this to say about the apparent medical miracle.

“When he came in, we thought he was an 80 year old man. Then we get his info and the kid is 25? We knew something was seriously wrong with him. Regardless of what was wrong with him, we figured out a solution pretty quick, OPIOIDS. In all my years of practicing medicine, I’ve never known a young man who hasn’t perked up when you give him a little Oxy and that seemed to be the case here as well.” 

But according to Spencer while the Oxy did put “a little pep in his step”. It was in fact the glass of water he used to swallow the pill that averted his brush with death. 

“She said open up and threw a bunch of pills in my mouth. Before I could even wrap my head around whether or not any of this was covered by my insurance she gave me some water to take them with. But as I was drinking it, it didn’t seem like water at all. It felt like liquid gold pouring down my throat. I thought, “Woah water is really fucking good”. 

Sources close to Spencer confirmed that rarely if any does he drink water of his own volition. According to his girlfriend Yesenia, he was last observed drinking a glass of water during the summer of 2008. Researchers within the hospital took an interest in Spencer as a specimen and conducted a few more tests with interesting results.   

“Spencer’s blood has a frankly terrifying composition” Said lead researcher Gretchen Poullet. 

“When we tried to get a sample, what we pulled back in the syringe was a fluid the same color as Dr. Pepper, and nearly twice as viscous. Somehow his body evolved to subsist solely off of whatever water content exists within Soda and Chex Mix, the two items that make up a staggering 97% of Spencer's intake. But despite the near decade of damage that’s been done, that single glass of water managed to get everything back in what could loosely be called working order.”  

At press time, Spencer has been released from the hospital. Despite pleas from medical staff and his loved ones, Spencer left the hospital and went straight to Taco Bell. When questioned as to whether or not he intends to drink more water in the future, Spencer told correspondents he intends to keep his mouth open in the shower.