CHICAGO— Drivers in the city of Chicago should be on high alert, as the city’s Department of Water Management has reportedly installed a fire hydrant right where you parked. “The decision to install a fire hydrant right where you parked was not an impulsive one, I can assure you.” explained Chicago Department of Water Management Commissioner Randy Conner. “It took months of careful planning, scouting, and surveying to select and confirm that spot for installation of a fire

CHICAGO — Local urgent care clinic Guardian Immediate Care is reportedly proud to provide desperate Chicagoans, victimized by a predatory healthcare system, with clinical help that can be accurately described as neither “urgent” nor “care”, uninsured sources confirmed. “My college buddies and I started Guardian Immediate Care with one simple mission,” said Guardian Founder and CEO Karl Estes. “That mission was to find Chicagoans throughout the community in dire need of medica

ATHENS, Ga. — Tragedy struck a local Zaxby’s last week when part-time fry cook James DuPage, 17, tragically passed away just moments before he could accept a coworker’s closing shift, panicked sources report. “Wait, does this mean I have to go in tomorrow?” asked DuPage’s distressed coworker Colin Montgomery. “Shit, I was gonna go see Hayley Williams with my girlfriend; she’s gonna be so pissed. Are we sure he didn’t accept the request? Has anybody checked? I mean rest in pea

WEST LINN, Ore. — What could have been an extremely awkward encounter turned out to be a unique bonding opportunity for the family of local man Gil Montgomery, who finally admitted to having a secret second family... that also loves playing miniature wargame Warhammer 40K. "Yeah, you know, I was pretty shocked when we found out Dad was hiding a second family from us for our entire lives," said daughter Chloe Montgomery, 14. "At first I was pissed but then I saw the Imperium f

SALEM, OR — 46-year-old Elise Murphey finally had enough the night of March 2nd. After repeated requests that her boyfriend Isaiah Wiggins, 41, better contribute to maintaining a clean living space, it became clear that words would not be enough. Unsure of what actions would best communicate her dissatisfaction, inspiration would come from the apartment's third inhabitant, 3-year-old Tabby cat named Governor Greg Abbot. “I came home from a thirteen-hour shift and there, righ

UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO MEDICAL CENTER — 25 Year Old Spencer Carlisle was admitted to an urgent care late Wednesday night, displaying a wide array of symptoms. After a battery of testing, professionals within the facility were unable to diagnose the root cause of any of Spencer's ailments and he was then airlifted to The University of Chicago Medical Center for intensive care. While at the facility, Spencer was prescribed miscellaneous pills which seemed to do the trick. But a

DENVER -- A recent study out of the University of Colorado Denver found that this smoke circle has more heads than blunts, University researchers report. "After analyzing the smoke session for an extended period of time, we noticed something was seriously wrong." said Ron Pratt of CU Denver's Humanities Department. "It would appear that at least one stoner, possibly even multiple, showed up to the sesh, but failed to bring shit to smoke. We believe these individuals arrived w

Pigeon Forge, Tenn. -- "Do you hear that? That noise is back." reported local man Nathan Gutierrez Monday night. Despite reporters not being able to hear anything out of the ordinary, Nathan attempted to describe the nuisance. "You don't hear that? It's like a hum," said Gutierrez, 26. "Or maybe like a buzzing? Yeah it's like a buzzing noise, but high-pitched. You guys seriously can't hear that? You've gotta be kidding me. It's so loud. What is that?" Gutierrez further explai

CLEVELAND 一 Tensions have reportedly escalated at the home of Chicago native Thomas Bergman as he and his cat, Pancake, disagree about the fundamental nature of his W2 Tax Form, sources confirm. “I could tell it piqued his interest from the second I opened it. At first, I thought he was just taking more of a hands-on-the-wheel approach to the household’s finances,” Bergman recalled. “But the second I left the room, I heard all kinds of commotion coming from the kitchen table.