Cat Teaches Woman How to Weaponize Urine

SALEM, OR — 46-year-old Elise Murphey finally had enough the night of March 2nd. After repeated requests that her boyfriend Isaiah Wiggins, 41, better contribute to maintaining a clean living space, it became clear that words would not be enough. Unsure of what actions would best communicate her dissatisfaction, inspiration would come from the apartment's third inhabitant, 3-year-old Tabby cat named Governor Greg Abbot. 

“I came home from a thirteen-hour shift and there, right in the middle of the rug, was the answer to all my problems” Said Elise. “When I forget to feed Governor Abbot, he doesn’t just sit there and whine about it. He takes action. He pisses on the rug, he vomits in my shoes. It was then when I knew exactly how to deal with my situation.” 

Inspired by the secretions of her cat, Elise took to the store and purchased three gallon-jugs of water and five pounds of asparagus. Isaiah could never have known the fury his lethargy had spawned within his own home. 

“I had just gotten out of my tap lessons.” Said Isaiah. “I’ve been going every day for nearly a year now, and I just know my tap is going to start paying the bills here any day now! So yeah I do leave my dishes in the sink, and my clothes on the floor. I love Elise very much, but right now I really just need her support while I do this for us.” 

Isaiah tells reporters he arrived home later that evening, expecting a clean apartment and a hot meal. What he got instead was a brutal wakeup call. 

“When I got off the elevator I thought maybe someone had died in one of the other units. But as I got closer to our door the smell got stronger. When I rounded the corner and saw all our neighbors crowding around our apartment my heart sank. They were all justifiably confused and angry. I wanted answers too, so I pushed past and opened the door to investigate. I threw up the second I got inside.” 

The average human bladder can hold anywhere from 13-20 ounces of urine. But after a full day's work, Elise was able to evenly distribute over 80 ounces of her own hyper odorant urine throughout the unit, before heading off to clock in for her night shift, making sure to leave out all cleaning supplies and appliances so the message was clear. Governor Greg Abbot also pitched in, coating all the countertops and furniture in his own urine to ensure the entirety of the apartment would get a deep clean. 

At press time, Isaiah is nearing his 11th hour of the clean. The smell of Elise’s urine has only been slightly diminished and their landlord has already revoked their security deposit.