City Installs Fire Hydrant Right Where You Parked

CHICAGO— Drivers in the city of Chicago should be on high alert, as the city’s Department of Water Management has reportedly installed a fire hydrant right where you parked.  

“The decision to install a fire hydrant right where you parked was not an impulsive one, I can assure you.” explained Chicago Department of Water Management Commissioner Randy Conner. “It took months of careful planning, scouting, and surveying to select and confirm that spot for installation of a fire hydrant. At the time, the City of Chicago was not aware that you would be parking there, this is purely coincidence. But you are parked at a hydrant now. Nothing you can do. Hope it’s not there too long.”

In an effort to placate many worried Chicagoans, local Parking Enforcement Officer Dan Preacher spoke with reporters regarding the city’s plans for your vehicle.

“Oh, you’re getting a ticket alright.” clarified Preacher, “There’s just no way around it. Regardless of whether or not you intended to park at a hydrant, you’re at one now. Gotta give you a ticket. That’s just the way it is. If you’re there for over an hour, might have to come back and boot it. Boss’s orders, sad to say. I just hope no brave Chicago Firefighters have to use that hydrant. They will tear that Civic up if they need to. You ever seen the Jaws of Life those boys carry around? They’ll cut a car clean in half; they don’t care.”

To everyone’s surprise, the Chicago Fire Department did need that hydrant, as shortly after the hydrant’s installation, a massive four-alarm fire broke out inside the deli you were stopping into. Unfortunately, the City’s Finest had no choice but to punch a hole straight through the side of your car in order to connect the hose. Fortunately, you did not survive the fire and will not have to worry about it.

At press time, the City of Chicago is hoping your surviving family will settle the matter of the parking ticket.