'Urgent Care' Proud to Offer Neither

CHICAGO — Local urgent care clinic Guardian Immediate Care is reportedly proud to provide desperate Chicagoans, victimized by a predatory healthcare system, with clinical help that can be accurately described as neither “urgent” nor “care”, uninsured sources confirmed.

“My college buddies and I started Guardian Immediate Care with one simple mission,” said Guardian Founder and CEO Karl Estes. “That mission was to find Chicagoans throughout the community in dire need of medical help, and connect them with needlessly expensive services that, we must add, are legally distinct from anything that might be considered ‘treatment.’”

Many members of the local community were quick to comment on the clinic’s lasting impact and sterling legacy, including Rogers Park resident Marissa Philomena.

“The clinic’s been in the neighborhood longer than I have, and I’ve received the same consistent quality of care every time I’ve gone.” said Philomena. “Any time I need to pay $200 for a doctor’s note or to wait three hours for some second-rate antibiotics, I know the good people at Guardian have me covered. It’s just so great to have such an invaluable resource available to the community, and I sincerely hope the clinic continues to disappoint for years to come.”

While the Guardian may serve as a beacon of hope for many, several healthcare professionals seem to see the clinic’s success as a worrying presence in the field.

“Frankly, what they’re doing at Guardian is revolutionary, and that scares me,” said Dr. Lisa Fehler, a physician at Chicago’s Rush University Medical Center. “As long as Guardian and similar clinics continue to offer no return whatsoever at an absurd cost, I fear more and more Chicagoans will flock to these providers, leaving hundreds of doctors across the city out of a job.”

At press time, you are still waiting to be seen for your 11am appointment. It is currently 2:30.